Sometimes I Hang On A Little Too Much To Old Memories

QQ and Yiya both moved back to China from different parts of the world within this past week. I can't help feeling a little left out. I have absolutely no reason to. I used to be the only one outside of the Chinese border among our high school friends and never felt there was anything wrong with that. But things were simple back then. There were no other alternative paths but to finish college, within a reasonable time. No matter where we were in the world, we were all still working towards the same goal.

Then sometimes during college, both QQ and Yiya and many other high school friends came out of China and become scattered in US, Europe and Asia.

Then it's time to say bye bye to college. We now have many choices presented to us. Many moved back to China. Some of us stayed. I haven't regret my choice of staying. But after I heard that both QQ and Yiya had arrived safely in Dalian, I started to feel a little scared: Scared of the unforeseeable consequence of my choice. Scared that my path will take me further and further away from them after this week. Scared that I would no longer be able to relate to them, to share the many feelings and fears....

It looks like when I said bye bye to college I also waved goodbye to the days of my invincible youth.

There is this website where you can send post cards to them. On the post card, you can write down a secret or draw an image of a secret that you never told anyone before. They will put the post card on the website anonymously.

I guess my post card would be something like this:
A childish drawing of me waving with a handkerchief in my hand. On the left corner, two small figures walking away from me one after another. In the middle there is a line goes across the post card. Next to the line is my handwriting in blue ink: I will miss you very much... more so than I will worry about myself being left behind.

"I saw the map of his goatee, the grand plan of it."

When I read this line in a book, I can't help laughing out loud. I just have to stop doing my homework and point it out to everyone:
I know exactly what she meant, the map of a goatee, because it is in my face almost every day of my life.
My boyfriend, the boy with a big plan, is growing his goatee.
and he is determined to follow through it.

He has the top and the bottom part of the goatee all grown out. Both ends of top and bottom parts grow towards the opposite direction on the sides of his mouth until they were about to connect with on another. That's when the growing stopped. It has been like that for months now. You can tell both parts are itching to touch the opposite side. But no one wants to make the first move.

He waits patiently.People in my life
and
He spends more and more time in the bathroom. It takes him the same amount of time on shaving/trimming as an average person would spend on an average shower.

Last month, when he started to worry about what he should get for my birthday two months ahead of time, I told him he could get rid of his incomplete goatee as a gift because I was sick of his mustache getting all of his attention.

The horror I saw on his face!!
(and No was the answer.)

As of today, the shrewd, incomplete goatee is still teasing and tormenting both of us, for different reasons.

Will it be too evil of me to shave them all off while he is sleeping?

From the contemplating girl friend

How To Charm Me

When we saw a bumper sticker that read, "It is never too late to have a happy childhood.", and I sighed, "I didn't have a happy childhood."

You squeezed my hand and said, "You are having one right now, aren't you?"

Hey Mom

Today is June 9th in China. No, I havent' forgotten.
Happy Birthday, Mom!

Too bad you are on a business trip so far away from home.
I bet no one on the trip knows today is your birthday, either.
What I won't tell you is that I cried a little this morning after I woke up, coz I knew you were alone on the day of your birthday and I really missed you.

Mom, Will you find time to eat a bowl of long-life-noodles today? I want you to live til 100, 150, 200...
If I ever become a vampire. I will make you immortal also.

Sincerely,
Your Favorite Daughter

明月几时有？把酒问清天。不知天上宫阙，今夕是何年。我欲乘风归去。惟恐琼楼玉宇，高处不胜寒，起舞弄清影，何似在人间。

转朱阁，低绮户，照无眠。不应有恨，何事长向别时圆？人有悲欢离合，月有阴晴圆缺，此事古难全。但愿人长久，千里共婵娟。

"Stay where you are! and hand me the camera."

after we both got out of the car. I bent down to put on socks and change into walking shoes. when I looked up, this was what i saw:


Clouds2
Originally uploaded by Yilei.

aren't the clouds cooperative?

He once called a draw at a chess game to rescue my hurt ego.

It is only 5 o'clock but I have been dying to go home for the past 30 minutes.
(my official release time is 7pm.)
it has been gloomy all day today. I just came back from a five day trip in the redwoods. I am going through vacation rehab right now. this weather is not helping! it is the kinda weather that seems like it is gonna rain at any time but it never did rain. it is the same feeling you have the couple days before your period. you know it may come at any time but you don't know exactly when so you go through all the trouble to avoid swimming, light colorerd pants, skirts only to find out at the end of the day that today is not the day.

Today my normal lunch group ditched me. They disappeared right after the employee meeting that went 30 minutes over time. I ended up going home to eat alone. after stuffing myself with a gigantic beef sandwich, my legs automatically dragged me to the couch. gosh i never realized how comfy the couch is. it wraped around me like a generous lover. Massaging muscles on my back, neck and legs as I rotated softly. after 10 minutes of doing nothing but staring blankly at the window and appreciating the couch beneath me, I became aware of a hard object pressing into my arm. it turned out to be a corner of a hard cover book buried in the cushions. and a piece of paper fell right out of it and onto my face as i opened it. and this tiny piece of paper is filled lines of disjointed sentences in my horrible handwriting:

"one more day and i will set out to big basin for my camping trip. Well, it is not really camping coz we are staying in a cabin. but still i am excited. not because wow, no more work for 5 days or wow, finally get to get out of the city and become one with nature. i am excited coz i get to go with this boy. the boy that may be the sweetest guy to ever drive a blue truck. "

Things I need to remember from this weekend if we ever have a fight.

I need to remember:
1. that you patted on my head and said, "it is not a fairy tale you know." when I cried into the bend of your neck after watching The Butterfly Effect.
2. that you pulled my legs over your lap to let me stretch out on my tiny couch when we were watching a movie
3. that at a BBQ place, you picked the burned meat first and told me to start with the good ones.
4. that you dug around in a bowl of over washed raspberries and send it to my mouth when you found a unbroken one.
5. that when I was a little embarrassed about the fact that I attempted to drive off in my car without starting the engine and said, " It's your fault coz you distracted me!", you drew closer to me and kissed me softly on my lips.

and I need to remember that once again, you waited for me to hung up the phone first because the sound of "click" is just a little too upsetting.


Upcoming list...... "Things I would like you to do".
Only the PG-13 version will be published here . I will keep the Rated R version to myself because I know how much people hate over sharing.

"As long as you like him,

I will like him, too."

My dad once stopped talking to me for 6 month because he didn't like the boy I liked.
If he picked up the phone when I called, he would tell me to hold on and hand it to my mom right away.
This was years ago. I am still a little hurt now whenever I think about it. I am his only daughter after all. and it is not like I was marrying that boy.

My mom didn't like my boyfriend either. Everytime I called her, she would try to convince me to leave him and find someone "normal". and she would went on and explain why the boy I liked at that time was not "normal".

My grandfather like to make this list of qualities he would like to have in my future boyfriend. I never finish listening to his list or reading it if he emails me. He totally forgot that this was my life.

Years have gone by. I start to realize that I will not find someone that's acceptable for my family. They have a totally different idea of what "a normal person" is than me.
I can't change them nor can they change me.

My grandma never said anything about what kinda boy she likes. One time, I called and she was the only one home. I for the first time in a long time get to have a peaceful conversation with her without having other people interrupting her from other lines. (She can't hear very well so my mom or grandfaterh likes to speak for her.)
That's when I asked her what kind of boy she would like to have as my boyfriend.
That's when she said, "As long as you like him, I will like him, too."
"Really?" It almost brought me to tears.
"Even though he has long hair, or is in a band instead of having a real job or is a foreigner or is way older than me?"

"Yeah. As long as you like him."

Silence on my end of the line because if I talk, she will hear my voice breaking up.

Don't You Cry Baby

Talk to me softly
There is something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been there before
Somethin is changin' inside you
And don't you know

Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

Give me a whisper
And give me a sign
Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye

Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you
And the times we had...baby

You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby

And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight

I was overwhelmed with sadness when I heard that Jack was going back to China in two weeks, for good.

It didn't feel real until I talked to him over the phone, until he told me he already quit his job, until he told me about his plans for his company in China, until he told me he already found an apartment close to the factory and he was ready to work six days a week.

that's when I realize that we are going to lead very different lives from now on. Our path cross briefly in our journeys. Now it is time to say "good bye".

Some of my friends like to talk about how they probably will go back to China or wherever they came from eventually. But Jack, as far as I know, was thinking about buying a house, moving his parents here, and settling down in US. That's why it broke my heart to hear that he is leaving us in two weeks.

After I hang up the phone last night, I sat on my bed and cried. I am going to miss him so much. With him gone, who is gonna help me with my swimming techniques, who is gonna stay behind with me when we all go kayaking and I fall behind, who is gonna be my translator when everyone is cracking jokes in Cantonese.

I grabbed a new box of tissues and cried more. I had such a wonderful weekend. I danced with the boy I liked. I felt his arm around my wrist, his freshly shaved face against mine, his breath on my neck. I was all exceptionally happy and jolly for a Monday, then I heard the news about Jack. I was not prepared for it. Right after graduating from college, some of my friends went back to their own country, some of them went to other cities for work. I didn't shed a tear because i knew this was what supposed to happen when a chapter of life closed and a new one started. But I did not except that I would lose a good friend on a sunny afternoon in April. No, I was not prepare for it.

When I came to work this morning, a coworker asked me why my eyes were all red and puffy. He send me Guns n' Roses's "Don't Cry" after we finished our coversation. He is the kinda person that will always find the right song for the occasion. Part of the reason I felt so sad about Jack leaving is that I felt I wasn't as a good friend to him as he was to me. and now I won't have a chance to make it up to him. I played this song all day. I have to remind myself to be good to all these wonderful friends I have,including this coworker who knows exactly which song to give me when I am down, and never take any one of them for granted anymore.

昨天我拿起电话问你, “我可不可以在塞车的时候挂电话给你?”

你诧异的问,”你是怎么了?从来你都是要挂便挂的. 不管多早或者多晚.怎么今天突然需要我的许可了.”

我说"我变得有点多愁善感把?"

你说, “什么?”

我心想, 多愁善感这个词你不懂? 那末欲将心事付瑶琴, 知音少,断弦有谁听这几句你更不会懂了.

晚上洗脸的时候, 看着水从手指间滑过，又想到了那句, 断弦有谁听… 突然好想回家去. 停了洗脸的手, 看着镜子,定了定神, 又对自己说了一次,恩,真的好想回家.

“想回家”这几个字, 平时连对自己也不敢出声讲. 最多在心里一闪. 就匆忙转去想别的事.
今天对着镜子，盯着自己的眼睛，说出这几个字。自己也怔住了。

Add Oil

This post is dedicated to QQ.
QQ has been working very hard on her master thesis.
Let's hope she can finish it on time! and get a big A for it. (We won't ask for an A+ coz we are careful not to push it. Although I am not sure if they give you As and Bs in England.)

Add oil, QQ

"I am old, you are still young........"

There is no doubt that X XX is a hardcore communist. Over the years, he has also become a symbol of an open, democracrtic China.

X XX, many people remember him by his last words said to the students on a hunger strike at Tiananmen square prior to his house arrest: “我老了，你们还年轻，来日方长。。。。” （"I am old, you are still young and must treasure your own lives."）

That's the last time he was seen on TV. 15 years has passed, X XX is a name that is never forgotten by people of China. At a critical moment of Chinese history, he stood by the students.

X XX didn't live to see justice. After his death, people in China can not publicly express their grieves. There is no announcement on national TV or radios. Only a few lines on newspapers can be found that says "Comrade X XX has passed away due to such and such illness." Optimists say his death finally set him FREE. But I only saw one unlawful arrest followed by a lonly death.

How many more of unlawful arrests do we have to endure before the establishment of rule of law in China?
Mourning for the quiet passing of X XX.

Never Ever

I remembered the first email I received from you three months ago.

You told me you had arrived safely and you wrote about your encounter with an "unfriendly" German on the train to Stuttgart.

It's a sunny Wednesday afternoon and I was sick at home. Your email was so funny it made me laugh hysterically. Maybe I should be run over by a truck later that day, so your email would be the last thing I remembered.

Today I feel liberated after sending my last email to you. All the confusion, distress and sadness were gone after I clicked on "send" button. The memories of you will be folded and put away in a suitcase under my bed. I will pull it out to revisit every so often. But like flower buds painted on glasses, these memories will never change, never grow, and most unfortunately never ever come to a blossom.

What Went Wrong

Mom said she searched for answers but she still doesn't know what went wrong. It just happened.
But why us? I don't know.
But I can live with it. I can live with anything. Memories is the root of pain. All I need to do is to forget, to block out these unpleasent memories from time to time.
But it breaks my heart to see mom trying so hard to find reasons in all this, to figure out what went wrong.
Maybe it is fate, mom. If believing in fate makes it easier for you. All the people that lost their families in the Tsunami. Why them? Fate is our only answer here. No wonder so many people believe in fate coz sometimes if they don't, they can not carry on with their lives.

mom told me over the phone that she sent me an email. I opened it. After realizing what it is about, the rest didn't come as a surprise to me. but i still can not control my tears. I wanna say something, but the only sound i made was the closing of my bedroom door.
"It is OK. " instead of speaking to the phone, mom sent me instant messages, "Life goes on." I tried to say something but stopped coz i can't be sure what my voice will sound like. and I know exactly why mom sent me messages instead of talking to the phone coz just like me, she is also choking on tears.

I just said I could live with anything. but i can't help wondering if other people's lives are easier than ours, me and my parents'.
Can I erase all of my memories and start this life over again? at 25? It is not too late, is it?

Ghost From the Past

at 8 o'clock this morning, i was woke up by the alarm. after turning it off, the deafening ringing was still there. i searched up and down for the source. and it is from my cell phone. an international number was Blinking on the screen, a number from japan to be more specific. who will call me from Japan? well, who else?

"hello?"
"still sleeping?"
"of course, it is 8 in the morning for God's sake! thanks for waking me up by the way..." a pause. thinking i should really work on my morning attitude. "so what's up?" in a much softer tone.

"oh nothing....just chilling in my car. smoking cigarette. drinking coffee...."

hmm.. good for you, i thought to myself, drinking caffeine at midnight.
"so....yeah, haven't heard from you for a while. is everything OK?"
"a year."
"what?"
"we haven't talked for a year." he said. he went on and told me how he quit his job, started his own company, has been flying back forth between Dalian and Japan almost every month. and mentioned about 7 times that he will be back to dalian next January.

i checked the time. It's 8:30am. i am gonna be seriously late to work. he is still chatting away....while i was pondering when will be a good time to interrupt him and tell him i have to get reay for work, he paused...and started to say something, hesitated again....
For some reason, i KNEW what's coming at that precise moment. i bite my lips so i won't burst out and say "i know what you are gonna tell me! so just say it already!"

"so...." he proceed,
"eh uh?" adjusting the tone of my voice to get ready for the news. but instead, he said. "any updates in the love department."

i chuckled. "yeah. but hmmm.......where should i start....hehe..."
"you know," he said,"you need to take things seriously and start to think about settling down now."

"and you need to stop sounding like my mom." i yelled "and just for your information, i always take things seriously!" there is the morning attitude again.

"i am getting married." ah ha!
"congratulations!"
he finally worked up the courage to tell me the real reason he called. and i was so ready for this moment. i said this word in the perfect cheerful voice.
he then explained how he doesn't care about this wedding. how he get lots of pressure from both sides of the family. how he will not take part in any of the planning, etc etc.

"why do you have to tell me you don't care about the wedding? why can't you be happy for yourself?
silence. he is totally ignoring my question.
"when is the wedding anyways?"
"Jan 31st."

what the fuck!?! that's my parent's wedding anniversary.
"congratulations!" thought it is properiet to say it again.
"i am more worried about my company." he started to tell me how it is hard to manage a company when his girlfriend's dad is managing one of the department, etc, etc...

after i finally got off the phone, i can't stop smiling. i think it is totally hilarious how he is so nervous about telling me the news. how he feels guilty about it and totally denies the fact that he wants to get married. they have been together for seven freaking years. 5 of out these seven years, they were living together. it's perfectly normal for them to eventually walk down the aisel together. who would
think otherwise?
another thing is, he was not my boyfriend, ever.

we went to the same junior high school. but he was in Japanese class. and i was in english class. i was, apparently, a joke between his friends. and one day, he told
me he liked me just to put an end to all the joking arounds. the reason i like him has everything to do with my english teach who is also the head teacher of my class.

i hate, notice the present tense here, my english teacher. she is a greedy, manipulative, cold blooded bitch. she hunts for innocent souls of 13, 14 years old. Before she slaughters them mercilessly, she enjoys and takes her time to torture them. what more painful than the years i spent with her is to think of the fact that she teaches, oh i mean, tortures more and more innocents souls over the years after i had moved on.

both of us are her victims. We bonded quickly out of hatred. he started to walk me to the bus stop after school. we had good times cursing about the bitch. then we grow up and we went to different high schools. i was ready to forget about my english teacher and carry on with my life. (i never did forget or forgive her though.) and he was ready to have a real girl friend. so he did. and he is marrying the same girl in this coming January. i don't know why he feels kinda guilty about it. i wanna him to be happy as much as he wants to me to.

Death and I

I am supposed to look scared~~ really scared~~
but it didn't come out right. instead of looking scared, I look scary!!
oh well.........

Halloween_2004

Liebe ist in der Luft

looks like i can not escape the strange circle of long distance relationships.
after i end one, there comes another one.
i begin to think maybe there is something wrong with me. maybe i get bored too easily, maybe i like the waiting, the anticipation more than the actual relationship.

but it feels so good when you like someone and that someone likes you back. the feeling is so overwhelming it overtook the fact that this is our last day together. you probably will be out of my life forever after tommorrow. you will fly back to that cold city~~ i am sure you will miss california, the beach, the sun, and me.

but who cares about tommorrow, about whether we can see each other again, whether we'll keep in touch over the phone, email or IM, whether we have a future together. none of these things will stop us from having a great time together TODAY.

and TODAY, your presence made me feel warm and light hearted especially when you hold my drink for me, when we wondered off from the group into the midst of the beach crowds, when we sat on the side of the streets and when you told me about your little hometown in that cold cold country.

by the end of the day, we stood outside of my apartment. i pointed out my bedroom window to you.

"that's my room. i moved here at the end of February."
your eyes lighted up, " really? i moved to a new apartment in February, too. february 15th."
this silly coincident made both of us very happy.
"only two weeks apart! "i yelled.
"oh yes."you said and you looked down at me and smiled, street lights shinning from the back of your head. hours later, i can still remember your face enveloped in the lights, the way you tilted your head, and the excitement in your eyes..........

before you left, I let you borrow one of my favorite books. we didn't talk about when you will have a chance to give it back to me. i only want you to like it.

after you left, i went upstairs to my room. i looked into the mirror on the wall. i saw my face still blushing and my eyes dancing in the reflection. for the first time in a long time, i am grateful for the life i have.

MOooON Festival

Today's moon festival! I don't know what to say about it though.

it doesn't feel right to spent the day with friends coz it is not a festive holiday. it doesn't have fireworks like new year. or lotus lantern show like the First Full Moon holiday.

that's why Moon festival has to be spent with the family.

back at home, mom always prepares fruit platter, moon cake platter and snacks for everyone after dinner. We rarely invite guests for this occasion. it is usually just the three of us, sitting outside on the patio, enjoying the night.

the first thing mom always does is to pick a moon cake for me. If i refuse it, she will give me a lecture about the importance of eating at least one moon cake on the moon festival. however, she never cut the cakes into smaller pieces so i ended up spending the entire night to finish the giant cake.

after taking care of me, mom and dad will have the most interesting conversation.
instead of watching TV, I'd stay out with them and listen until i fall asleep on my dad's lap.
I don't remember what they talked about. (obviously it is not the contents that interested me.)
But their conversation made me feel so pleasant, it made up for having to eat the yiky greasy moon cake.

after i grow up, i don't ever take on a boyfriend who attempts to lecture me or thinks man are better/smarter than woman. i don't know why i feel so strongly about this matter.

today thinking about our moon festival made me realize why their conversations are so captivating and why i am so stubborn about being equal in a relationship. my parents' casual conversations demonstrated equality between them and the mutual respect, open mind ness they shared. I rarely see these qualities among other grownup relationship that i was exposed to at that time. so I know I want the same thing they have.

i always respect my parents for they always respect and try to understand each other at good times and bad. like most couples, my parents had rocky time in their marriage, too.

i got a moon festival greeting card from luoyi today. it reads
" happy moon festival.
I hope the ones that love you love you more,
the ones you love understand you more."

it's so sweet.

i hope my parents love and understand each other more each and every day.

Last year today

Last year, I was living in denial. I used work to avoid pain, pretending nothing ever happened.

But it still hurts, it hurts every single cell of my body.
When they say heartache, I never know they meant it literarily, hehe, until now of course.

But I can’t say that you deceived me. Like a moth to the flame, I trusted you blindly, neglecting the obvious flaws. What can I say? I was naïve and wanted to try out things myself. It’s the invincibility of youth.

Now I don’t know how much this event has shaped my life. I am a little bitter. but I still trust people recklessly. Knowing what is right is one thing, doing it is another.