Question of the day

if i write an email all in black lingo/slang, does it make it a blackmail?

The healing process of writing....

I have been thinking a lot lately about all the decisions I have made in the past that shaped me into who I am today.

I am afraid that I have made some very bad choices. You know how people say there are no good or bad choices in lives. Different choices just lead us to different turns and different experiences. But I have made choices that are so bad, even the most optimistic and uplifting person would agree that they are not just some casual turns in lives, they are indeed horrible horrible detours.

I even thought about if it was a right decision to come to US at all. (Although it wasn't my decision so it was mostly likely inevitable.)

Ya, that's what I have been doing recently, doubting myself.

I remember being stronger and more determined. But lately I've been feeling like giving up, feeling like fake collapsing onto the floor and waiting for someone to come and fix my life for me. Then this someone will help me up, sit me down, then neatly hand my life back to me all fixed and bright and sunny again.

When I was much younger, I read this book review. The very smart and wise critic commented, "One woman is like a bamboo standing tall, strong and straight under the sun. The other woman is a delicate lily. When there is wind, the bamboo breaks easily while lily bends and sways in the wind and survives."
Striping off the metaphors, what she meant was simply that a seemingly strong person could indeed be very fragile while a person who is weak in appearance could survive when no other can.

The book critic committed suicide two years before I read her review and I am afraid that 13 years later I grow up to be a bamboo.

I cry a lot nowadays. More like I cry a lot easier because they are mostly over small things. I think letting my emotions out in the open is one step closer to being a lily. I occasionally find myself rambling on the phone, too. Have I become one of these annoying friends that talk other people's heads off about her own little problems? But I am surprised that allowing other people to cheer me up made them feel happy and rewarding, too. It’s strange how things sometimes turn out.

This is going to sound so cheesy but instead of fighting against the wind, maybe I need to swing and slide my way through it to survive.....all the while in the elegancy of a lily.

A Series of Questions

"if you can be free to act however you wish.
if nothing you said, nothing you did, would ever come back to haunt you.
if no crime would ever result in punishment.
if you can live beyond guilt and responsibility.
if you never have to answer for your actions...

would you do things differently?

is fear of punishment the only thing keeps us from doing wrong...
what about conscience?
What about ethics?

are we sophisticated enough to act well out of duty or respect, rather than fear?

Can you say you'd do nothing differently if you knew you'd never be caught?"

To Be Optimistic Or Not?

"Jeff and i had felt more than promising, but the vapor evaporated like water in a vase that kept the flowers blooming, but never was refilled.

I remember the feelings with joy and not pain, because I enjoy remembering. it is winter. spring is coming, and soon it will be summer.

i can already feel the warmth penetrate through me. I can taste the texture of the passion that awaits. I am here, I am ready and it is coming."

This is an ending of a book about the dating experiences of a 45 years old woman, a book full of bad dates, that is.
My friend raised his head after reading two magazines and caught me reading the last few pages of the book.
"why did you jump to the end?" he asked with a smirk,” does it have a happy ending?"

"No. she is dumped by a guy who she had dated for 6 month the day before New Year’s Eve. But she seems optimistic...." before my voice trailed off, the person that asked the question was deep in his own reading again, leaving me staring blankly into the wall.

"Optimistic," I thought to myself, "Is it foolish to be optimistic?"

My roommate once asked me,” what do you do to help yourself through the day? Do you drink coffee? tea? Eat snacks?"
"No." I said, "I just drink lots of water."

I want to feel real emotions. A cup of coffee may make me feel better when I am tired, sleepy, or bored in the afternoon. But the truth is that it is not coffee I need. What I need is to exercise more, sleep longer, eat healthier or challenge myself more at work. So I try to stay away from that cup of coffee to focus on the real problems.

Therefore, I am especially skeptical when it comes to optimism.
How do I know life is always improving?
How do I know optimism is not the cup of coffee that only help us get through life, but doesn't change any cold hard facts in our lives.
How do I know it is not an illusion I create for myself when the real problem is in me.
Even worse, being optimistic keeps our hopes up, expectations high. But when things don't work out, we are left feeling more disappointed than ever.

So instead of being optimistic about life, maybe we should accept life as it is: not everyone can lead a fulfilling and meaningful life; not everyone can find the right person. True, some people have found their soul mates, but it may not happen to all of us.

Telling people to be optimistic is as irresponsible as telling kids that life is fair when it really is not. So let's be strong and accept the fact that it is possible that we might fail in the end no matter how hard we have tried. It is possible and we've gotta be ready for that.

What Went Wrong

Mom said she searched for answers but she still doesn't know what went wrong. It just happened.
But why us? I don't know.
But I can live with it. I can live with anything. Memories is the root of pain. All I need to do is to forget, to block out these unpleasent memories from time to time.
But it breaks my heart to see mom trying so hard to find reasons in all this, to figure out what went wrong.
Maybe it is fate, mom. If believing in fate makes it easier for you. All the people that lost their families in the Tsunami. Why them? Fate is our only answer here. No wonder so many people believe in fate coz sometimes if they don't, they can not carry on with their lives.

mom told me over the phone that she sent me an email. I opened it. After realizing what it is about, the rest didn't come as a surprise to me. but i still can not control my tears. I wanna say something, but the only sound i made was the closing of my bedroom door.
"It is OK. " instead of speaking to the phone, mom sent me instant messages, "Life goes on." I tried to say something but stopped coz i can't be sure what my voice will sound like. and I know exactly why mom sent me messages instead of talking to the phone coz just like me, she is also choking on tears.

I just said I could live with anything. but i can't help wondering if other people's lives are easier than ours, me and my parents'.
Can I erase all of my memories and start this life over again? at 25? It is not too late, is it?

Sense and Sensibility

shall we follow our hearts or listen to our brains?
shall we do what's right or what makes us happy?
shall we take risks? or play it save?
shall we fight for more? or retreat and be happy with what we already have?

growing up made me realize that there are questions no one can answer for me. i can't go ask my mommy or daddy or any mentor for answers anymore for i realized this is not about finding the right answer. it is about making choices as an individual.

turning 25, i still don't have answers to these questions yet. maybe i will never know. maybe i will never find my path. maybe i will live in regret and always ponder what will happen if i went the other way. maybe i will spend the rest of my life torn between two worlds. who knows~~

shall we keep dreaming?

Here is a quote from a great blog: http://iamnotinvisible.blogspot.com/
"
when?
when did you give up your dreams? remember, that dream you held so dear?
those wedding plans? that thing that for a while you thought that you just couldn't live without?
but then, you discovered you could...and quite oblivious to ever wanting that in the first place. is that what you call contentment or settling? or is settling a type of contentment? you are a dreamer...so where are your dreams? where are your dreams? was holding on just a little too scary? don't worry or fear....even if you have forgotten, He hasn't.
"
music playing...boulevard of broken dreams

cheers to 25!

Lost Child

It’s Monday. 12:30 Thai Purple Downtown Monterey Park

I entered the restaurant on a Monday afternoon. I am usually working in the office or out grabbing lunch at this hour. But I took the day off today. Here I am entering a Thai restaurant on a Monday afternoon. I expected lots of solo diners like myself at this hour. To my surprise, this restaurant is full of couples, friends, mother daughter, mother son quietly dining away at their leisure. (need a word here) The environment is so laid back it is surreal. I have to take one step back to the outside of the restaurant. I see again cars jam on the street, people rushing to cross a green light; I see the sun burning over my head again. OK. The outside world is still busy and hot and all that. It’s just that the restaurant is on a slightly slower pace. Amazed, because I never realized so many people need not to work, I entered again, sat down and wrote everything down.

星期一下午五点, 这一整天啊, 你都没上班. 满城的乱逛. 你要找的是什么呢?
从东到西, 从南到北, 南加大, downtown Monterey park, old Pasadena.
你这个lost child, 一整天,半缸汽油之后, 你找到了你要找的东西了吗?

我在找一双眼睛, 一个身影, 我在人群寻找你. 我是一个迷途的孩子, 我上上下下的寻找这人生的答案.

我是一个迷途的孩子. 漂亮衣服, 落地玻璃里自己的美丽身影,会让我高兴那么一小下, 可是在不同衣服下面, 我仍然是一个迷失在这个世界里的不断行走毫无方向的孩子.

在书店里, 走过一排排的书架, 哲学历史宗教音乐戏剧, 哪里有我的答案呢? 我不要人生只是如此的话. 我相信有一条不一样的路. 没找到之前,

我仍选择继续迷失~~~~~~~~~~~~

唱:

Pride you took
Pride you feel
Pride that you felt when you’d kneel

Not the word
Not the love
Not what you thought from above

It feeds
It grows
It clouds all that you will know

Deceit
Deceive
Decide just what you believe

I see faith in your eyes
Never your hear the discouraging lies
I hear faith in your cries

Broken is the promise, betrayal
The healing hand held back by the deepened nail
Follow the God that failed

Find your peace
Find your say
Find the smooth road in your way

Trust you gave
A child to save
Left you cold and him in grave

It feeds
It grows
It clouds all that you will know

Deceit
Deceive
Decide just what you believe

I see faith in your eyes
Never you hear the discouraging lies
I hear faith in your cries

Broken is the promise, betrayal
The healing hand held back by the deepened nail