The healing process of writing....

I have been thinking a lot lately about all the decisions I have made in the past that shaped me into who I am today.

I am afraid that I have made some very bad choices. You know how people say there are no good or bad choices in lives. Different choices just lead us to different turns and different experiences. But I have made choices that are so bad, even the most optimistic and uplifting person would agree that they are not just some casual turns in lives, they are indeed horrible horrible detours.

I even thought about if it was a right decision to come to US at all. (Although it wasn't my decision so it was mostly likely inevitable.)

Ya, that's what I have been doing recently, doubting myself.

I remember being stronger and more determined. But lately I've been feeling like giving up, feeling like fake collapsing onto the floor and waiting for someone to come and fix my life for me. Then this someone will help me up, sit me down, then neatly hand my life back to me all fixed and bright and sunny again.

When I was much younger, I read this book review. The very smart and wise critic commented, "One woman is like a bamboo standing tall, strong and straight under the sun. The other woman is a delicate lily. When there is wind, the bamboo breaks easily while lily bends and sways in the wind and survives."
Striping off the metaphors, what she meant was simply that a seemingly strong person could indeed be very fragile while a person who is weak in appearance could survive when no other can.

The book critic committed suicide two years before I read her review and I am afraid that 13 years later I grow up to be a bamboo.

I cry a lot nowadays. More like I cry a lot easier because they are mostly over small things. I think letting my emotions out in the open is one step closer to being a lily. I occasionally find myself rambling on the phone, too. Have I become one of these annoying friends that talk other people's heads off about her own little problems? But I am surprised that allowing other people to cheer me up made them feel happy and rewarding, too. It’s strange how things sometimes turn out.

This is going to sound so cheesy but instead of fighting against the wind, maybe I need to swing and slide my way through it to survive.....all the while in the elegancy of a lily.

Q: What happens when a chaotic mind is armed with bad English.

A: This entry.

There is a remote chance that I might be able to go back to china soon.
I am already really excited even though nothing is confirmed or finalized.

I miss my grandmother. Grandma can't hear very well over the phone so I haven't gotten to talk to her directly for years.
This time, if I do get to go home, I am gonna try to stay at home with her everyday and only go out after she goes to sleep.

My life has always been kind of difficult. Although they usually work out at the end, things rarely swing my way without me making an extra effort. I don't expect it to be different this time. Even if I do get to go to china, whether or not I can come back is another question. But I am sick and tired of waiting for my travel permit, sick and tired of being controlled by invisible forces. They are invisible. I can't even negotiate terms with them. I feel totally helpless and it sucks.

I decided to do this, going back to China, that is, three years ago. I already got all of my paperwork straighten out, booked the plane tickets, and had an appointment with the visa people in China. Then my dad called and I listened to him. He told me to wait, wait until I get my green card. It is a big mistake. The longer I waited, the higher the stake becomes. Now I am way too close to get the green card and have waited for way too long and have too much to lose. I can't quit now. It is right in front of my eyes. But I don't want to keep running after it and keep allowing it to affect my life.

I am in this mess right now because I listened to my dad instead following through my own decision. It seems like that I usually end up in a mess on the rare occasions when I actually decide to be open-minded and listen to other people's advices.

Quick note to self: continue being stubborn and don't listen to anyone.

I don't blame my dad. He is the kind of person that weights all kinds of possible outcomes before making a decision. He is only looking out for me. He doesn't play chess. But I think he will be good at it if he does. On a second thought, I doubt it he will ever make a move. It will take him way too long.

Let me end this post on a positive note. No matter what happens, I will try not to that person riding on a merry go round thinking I am going places when in fact, I am only going around and around in a circle. I am going back to China no matter what is what I am trying to say.

4:47pm, Saturday afternoon. I am listening to Loquat's version of "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" and her very original Swingset Chain and Slow, Fast, Wait and See. Her voice makes me want to go to the store right now and buy the entire album.

That Nasty Fever I had Last Week

I had a really bad fever last week.

There is no way to know how high my temperature was coz I was too weak to get out of bed and look for the measuring thingy. It was probably way up there, 110 or something like that. If I looked at myself in the mirror, I probably would see my face burning in red, my hair wild, my eyes sparkling in anguish.

The fever started around 5pm. Around 4am in the morning, I feel the heat start to pull away from me. But at the same time, it clung to my body, not wanting to leave. Turning and turning I was on my bed. Occasionally, a groan would escape from me. I felt like I was dying and coming back to life at the same thing, like a vampire rising for the first time from the mortal death.

I turned and stared at the half glass of orange juice on the night stand. But I can not collect enough strength to grab it. Two hours later, the half glass of orange juice was still on my night stand, untouched. But the fever has left me completely. If the sheets under me didn't feel moist and a little cold, I would have thought I had only a nightmare.
I fell asleep while the sun was rising.

Do you miss your parents?

Why do people ask pointless questions like, "so do you miss your parents?" after i told them i haven't seen my parents for three years because of my visa issue.

I usually give them the answer they do not expect, "No..... not really." just to trip them over.

Of course I miss my parents. I miss them everyday of my life.

昨天我拿起电话问你, “我可不可以在塞车的时候挂电话给你?”

你诧异的问,”你是怎么了?从来你都是要挂便挂的. 不管多早或者多晚.怎么今天突然需要我的许可了.”

我说"我变得有点多愁善感把?"

你说, “什么?”

我心想, 多愁善感这个词你不懂? 那末欲将心事付瑶琴, 知音少,断弦有谁听这几句你更不会懂了.

晚上洗脸的时候, 看着水从手指间滑过，又想到了那句, 断弦有谁听… 突然好想回家去. 停了洗脸的手, 看着镜子,定了定神, 又对自己说了一次,恩,真的好想回家.

“想回家”这几个字, 平时连对自己也不敢出声讲. 最多在心里一闪. 就匆忙转去想别的事.
今天对着镜子，盯着自己的眼睛，说出这几个字。自己也怔住了。

I feel like my life is slowly draining away living in monterey park during the past 12 month. I managed an escape last weekend before I am reduced to a lifeless shell.

i like chinese people. i like spending time with them, amongst them. but living in monterey park didn't work for me.

there is a huge language barrier. most people in monterey park speak cantonese, in resturants, supermarkets, bookstores...EVERYWHERE.
my cantonese gets me as far as Hello and thank you. (and they have two different ways to say thank you. i was never able to tell the differences.)

i feel illiterated, and very foreign in monterey park.

What Went Wrong

Mom said she searched for answers but she still doesn't know what went wrong. It just happened.
But why us? I don't know.
But I can live with it. I can live with anything. Memories is the root of pain. All I need to do is to forget, to block out these unpleasent memories from time to time.
But it breaks my heart to see mom trying so hard to find reasons in all this, to figure out what went wrong.
Maybe it is fate, mom. If believing in fate makes it easier for you. All the people that lost their families in the Tsunami. Why them? Fate is our only answer here. No wonder so many people believe in fate coz sometimes if they don't, they can not carry on with their lives.

mom told me over the phone that she sent me an email. I opened it. After realizing what it is about, the rest didn't come as a surprise to me. but i still can not control my tears. I wanna say something, but the only sound i made was the closing of my bedroom door.
"It is OK. " instead of speaking to the phone, mom sent me instant messages, "Life goes on." I tried to say something but stopped coz i can't be sure what my voice will sound like. and I know exactly why mom sent me messages instead of talking to the phone coz just like me, she is also choking on tears.

I just said I could live with anything. but i can't help wondering if other people's lives are easier than ours, me and my parents'.
Can I erase all of my memories and start this life over again? at 25? It is not too late, is it?

The Sorrow

I don't think we ever get over the pain of losing loved ones.
Three years has gone by since my uncle passed away. The pain still comes back now and then to bite me.

i grew up with my grandparents'. my parents visited me twice a year. My memories of them had slowly faded into two tall figures in long wind coats. My younger aunt was living with my grandparents at that time and uncle Guo was her boy friend. Uncle Guo popped by our house almost everyday after work. He played with me in the backyard, took me to rides in amusement parks. sometimes, he showed up with his camera and took me to parks to take pictures of me for my parents. if it rained, he let me ride around on my little bike in the house.
3 to 5 was such a bonding period for a child. even though i moved back with my parents after i started elementary school, uncle Guo was always like a father to me.

5 years ago, shortly after i left China, they found out that he had liver problems. he said he would stop working so hard and he would quit drinking and smoking, etc... and for a while, he was getting better.
but one Saturday morning 3 years ago, my dad called. after a brief chat, he paused briefly, then said "uncle Gou passed away......six month ago."


Until now, i am still mad at them for not letting me know serious the "liver problem" had become, for having waited 6 month to tell me that he was not in this world anymore. (if it was up to my mom, she would have kept me in a the dark even longer.) Sure, i heard about Uncle Guo going in and out of hospitals. but it never cross my mind that it will take his life away. he was too young, just passed 40. it doesn't make sense. But of course, death never make sense. As a friend has said, "Everyone reaches to this point. To some, it comes a little bit early. We just have to accept it."

The Sorrow

Mom scanned most of my childhood pictures and made a website out of them arranged in chronical order. She gave it to my as my 24th birthday gift.
I think she is doing it more for herself than for me. she wrote in her dairy that "at the moment, i would rather hide myself in the memories than staring into the big empty house."

Last year today

Last year, I was living in denial. I used work to avoid pain, pretending nothing ever happened.

But it still hurts, it hurts every single cell of my body.
When they say heartache, I never know they meant it literarily, hehe, until now of course.

But I can’t say that you deceived me. Like a moth to the flame, I trusted you blindly, neglecting the obvious flaws. What can I say? I was naïve and wanted to try out things myself. It’s the invincibility of youth.

Now I don’t know how much this event has shaped my life. I am a little bitter. but I still trust people recklessly. Knowing what is right is one thing, doing it is another.

Lost Child

It’s Monday. 12:30 Thai Purple Downtown Monterey Park

I entered the restaurant on a Monday afternoon. I am usually working in the office or out grabbing lunch at this hour. But I took the day off today. Here I am entering a Thai restaurant on a Monday afternoon. I expected lots of solo diners like myself at this hour. To my surprise, this restaurant is full of couples, friends, mother daughter, mother son quietly dining away at their leisure. (need a word here) The environment is so laid back it is surreal. I have to take one step back to the outside of the restaurant. I see again cars jam on the street, people rushing to cross a green light; I see the sun burning over my head again. OK. The outside world is still busy and hot and all that. It’s just that the restaurant is on a slightly slower pace. Amazed, because I never realized so many people need not to work, I entered again, sat down and wrote everything down.

星期一下午五点, 这一整天啊, 你都没上班. 满城的乱逛. 你要找的是什么呢?
从东到西, 从南到北, 南加大, downtown Monterey park, old Pasadena.
你这个lost child, 一整天,半缸汽油之后, 你找到了你要找的东西了吗?

我在找一双眼睛, 一个身影, 我在人群寻找你. 我是一个迷途的孩子, 我上上下下的寻找这人生的答案.

我是一个迷途的孩子. 漂亮衣服, 落地玻璃里自己的美丽身影,会让我高兴那么一小下, 可是在不同衣服下面, 我仍然是一个迷失在这个世界里的不断行走毫无方向的孩子.

在书店里, 走过一排排的书架, 哲学历史宗教音乐戏剧, 哪里有我的答案呢? 我不要人生只是如此的话. 我相信有一条不一样的路. 没找到之前,

我仍选择继续迷失~~~~~~~~~~~~

唱:

Pride you took
Pride you feel
Pride that you felt when you’d kneel

Not the word
Not the love
Not what you thought from above

It feeds
It grows
It clouds all that you will know

Deceit
Deceive
Decide just what you believe

I see faith in your eyes
Never your hear the discouraging lies
I hear faith in your cries

Broken is the promise, betrayal
The healing hand held back by the deepened nail
Follow the God that failed

Find your peace
Find your say
Find the smooth road in your way

Trust you gave
A child to save
Left you cold and him in grave

It feeds
It grows
It clouds all that you will know

Deceit
Deceive
Decide just what you believe

I see faith in your eyes
Never you hear the discouraging lies
I hear faith in your cries

Broken is the promise, betrayal
The healing hand held back by the deepened nail

我在向右走,幸福向右走

1998年二月左右, 我開始在學校餐廳打工. 中國正是除夕之夜, 可是對我來說, 眼下的生計問題比這個海對岸的節日更加來得重要. 我一意孤行的堅持在餐廳里洗碗.

那 天晚上, 回到家, 和爸爸通電話的時候, 爸爸在電話里竟然泣不成聲. 爸爸要我不要再去洗碗了. 可是為了金錢的壓力也為了証明自己的能力, 我任性的堅持自己的決定. 那個除夕夜, 我深深的刺傷了爸爸. 在家的時候, 爸爸常常拿著我的手翻來覆去的看, 還感嘆的說和媽媽年輕時候的手一樣柔軟細致注定不會受苦受累. 電話里爸爸帶著哭腔說,說他不能想象他的女儿要用這樣一雙手去洗碗.

那個 除夕是我离開家之后的第一個除夕. 那時候我也才17歲, 17歲的時候, 認為我所作的一切都是我個人的選擇, 完全沒有顧慮到爸爸的心情. 17歲的時候, 還不知道,愛著我的人無法承受我受苦受累, 雖然我自己不怕. 當不幸發生在我身上的時候, 愛我的人受的傷害竟然比我更加大. 17歲的時候,完全沒有想到到,那一夜,爸爸一定輾轉難眠. 現在想來,還是揪心的痛.深深的后悔. 那時候爸爸反反复复和我說, 他有能力支持我. 現在想來, 我的任性不僅讓爸爸傷心,也讓爸爸的自信心受到打擊.

98年到現在, 我們一直忍受著骨肉分离. 慢慢的我畢業了,以為終于撥云見日, 可以無憂無慮起來. 可惜幸福其實离我更加遙遠. 災難竟然降臨在爸爸的頭上. 今年爸爸無緣無故受到災難. 我無法想象爸爸這一年來的經歷, 就好象當年爸爸無法想象餐館廚房里的景象. 因為不知道, 就變得更加恐懼,更加錐心刺骨.

當我們愛的人 受到傷害時, 我們才發現我們對對方的感情是多么的深厚, 因為我們受到的痛更加深沉.

現在是2004年, 6月, 父親節, 爸爸命運未卜, 我在向右走,幸福向右走,也不知道多少年多少月之后, 我和幸福可以繞完地球一周,再次相遇

Perfect Stranger

It’s 8:45pm Monday night, I just get out of work and you are
somewhere between LA and Detroit.　
Only after you left, I start to truly feel lonely again.　
Although we don’t see each other during the week,
especially not on Monday night, I feel secure knowing I can reach you with a
simply phone call while you are here.　No, secure isn't the right word.
I feel I am with friends.

Without your gaze, I am back to be a total stranger in this city.

在電腦前忙碌著, 偶然一回頭, 發現天已經黑了. 想到你的時候你竟已在千里之外了 .
故意和同事大說大笑的. 笑聲的余音還回蕩在空中,
心里已經感到了落寞.　 回家路上,車的影城市的燈光,　都變得有了距离有點陌生.
面無表情的進去超市, 9點已過, 超市里慘白的日光燈仍然亮著,
里面的工人已經收拾起魚肉和海鮮, 并且用水管沖地, 隨著嘩拉嘩拉的水聲,
帶起來魚肉的腥臭味,讓我的心情更加蓬頭詬面起來.　走過柜台前,
帶著倦意的cashier頭也不抬的說出9塊2分.　對于她,我是六個yogurt和一盒藥草.　 兩個少年對我吹起了口哨, 在他們眼里,我只是一个迟归的陌生女子.
沒有了你的凝視, 在這個城市里,我又變成了旅居之人.