Long Long Way To Go.

scribbled on napkins in a restaurant after a dental visit while listening to Def Leppard's long long way to go.

Sometimes I wish my life could end right now.

when my parents are still young, only in their early 50s.
when their health hasn't started to decline.
when they have stopped trying to change each other, have accepted and learned to live with each other's flaws.
when they decide to not work so much anymore and start to enjoy life more.

when my grandparents, with some help, can walk, talk, hear and see fine and think clearly,
when my grandmother still can show me how she makes her world famous vegetable bun,
when I can ask my grandmother to make the waistline of my QiPao smaller,
when I can open the curtain in my bedroom and see my grandfather working in the garden.
when my grandfather can explain why he disagrees with my taste in poetries and can locate most of his books on his shelves.


when my boyfriend still loves me.

when my friends, some graduating from school, some starting a new job, some getting married, haven't been so terribly disappointed by their lives, work or husband.

when myself, depending on no one, having no one depending on me, have not too much responsibilities at work, no kids to raise.
when I am free to do whatever I want to do.
when I still have what they call "hope"
when I still believe that life is full of endless possibilities and I can achieve whatever I set my mind on.

I wish my life ends here and now, with hope, without regrets.
because I am afraid of moving forward, I am afraid to see people I love leaving me, afraid to see lives wither, lives lost.

yeah I want to be this selfish girl and die at the happiest time of my life.

yeah...