I have been thinking a lot lately about all the decisions I have made in the past that shaped me into who I am today.
I am afraid that I have made some very bad choices. You know how people say there are no good or bad choices in lives. Different choices just lead us to different turns and different experiences. But I have made choices that are so bad, even the most optimistic and uplifting person would agree that they are not just some casual turns in lives, they are indeed horrible horrible detours.
I even thought about if it was a right decision to come to US at all. (Although it wasn't my decision so it was mostly likely inevitable.)
Ya, that's what I have been doing recently, doubting myself.
I remember being stronger and more determined. But lately I've been feeling like giving up, feeling like fake collapsing onto the floor and waiting for someone to come and fix my life for me. Then this someone will help me up, sit me down, then neatly hand my life back to me all fixed and bright and sunny again.
When I was much younger, I read this book review. The very smart and wise critic commented, "One woman is like a bamboo standing tall, strong and straight under the sun. The other woman is a delicate lily. When there is wind, the bamboo breaks easily while lily bends and sways in the wind and survives."
Striping off the metaphors, what she meant was simply that a seemingly strong person could indeed be very fragile while a person who is weak in appearance could survive when no other can.
The book critic committed suicide two years before I read her review and I am afraid that 13 years later I grow up to be a bamboo.
I cry a lot nowadays. More like I cry a lot easier because they are mostly over small things. I think letting my emotions out in the open is one step closer to being a lily. I occasionally find myself rambling on the phone, too. Have I become one of these annoying friends that talk other people's heads off about her own little problems? But I am surprised that allowing other people to cheer me up made them feel happy and rewarding, too. It’s strange how things sometimes turn out.
This is going to sound so cheesy but instead of fighting against the wind, maybe I need to swing and slide my way through it to survive.....all the while in the elegancy of a lily.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The healing process of writing....
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2 comments:
Ya, I've always believed living is more about finesse than brute force.
You should listen to Bruce Lee and be like water. Then you can blow with the wind and be as strong as Katrina.
There are always obstacles in life, but don't give up!! We are too young to give up. I think it's a good idea to let your emotions out all you want. Grab a friend to cry out if you need. When I was depressed and pessimistic, my sister used to tell me that there are people in the world that are thousand times worse than me, we should be glad just to have a good health, caring family and a decent living condition.
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