Q: What happens when a chaotic mind is armed with bad English.

A: This entry.

There is a remote chance that I might be able to go back to china soon.
I am already really excited even though nothing is confirmed or finalized.

I miss my grandmother. Grandma can't hear very well over the phone so I haven't gotten to talk to her directly for years.
This time, if I do get to go home, I am gonna try to stay at home with her everyday and only go out after she goes to sleep.

My life has always been kind of difficult. Although they usually work out at the end, things rarely swing my way without me making an extra effort. I don't expect it to be different this time. Even if I do get to go to china, whether or not I can come back is another question. But I am sick and tired of waiting for my travel permit, sick and tired of being controlled by invisible forces. They are invisible. I can't even negotiate terms with them. I feel totally helpless and it sucks.

I decided to do this, going back to China, that is, three years ago. I already got all of my paperwork straighten out, booked the plane tickets, and had an appointment with the visa people in China. Then my dad called and I listened to him. He told me to wait, wait until I get my green card. It is a big mistake. The longer I waited, the higher the stake becomes. Now I am way too close to get the green card and have waited for way too long and have too much to lose. I can't quit now. It is right in front of my eyes. But I don't want to keep running after it and keep allowing it to affect my life.

I am in this mess right now because I listened to my dad instead following through my own decision. It seems like that I usually end up in a mess on the rare occasions when I actually decide to be open-minded and listen to other people's advices.

Quick note to self: continue being stubborn and don't listen to anyone.

I don't blame my dad. He is the kind of person that weights all kinds of possible outcomes before making a decision. He is only looking out for me. He doesn't play chess. But I think he will be good at it if he does. On a second thought, I doubt it he will ever make a move. It will take him way too long.

Let me end this post on a positive note. No matter what happens, I will try not to that person riding on a merry go round thinking I am going places when in fact, I am only going around and around in a circle. I am going back to China no matter what is what I am trying to say.

4:47pm, Saturday afternoon. I am listening to Loquat's version of "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" and her very original Swingset Chain and Slow, Fast, Wait and See. Her voice makes me want to go to the store right now and buy the entire album.