Happy Thoughts : )

Falling Slowly

2007-05-22T16:57:00.000-07:00

黄金甲

2007-01-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

黃金甲在LA一直都是限量放映的. 我一直沒看,是不想開車開老遠的去看一個很可能很不好看的電影. (雖然總有人拿支持亞裔電影事業的大帽子來壓我.)

周五快下班的時候, bf突然來電話說我家附近的電影院也開始放黃金甲了. 于是趕著去看了.停了車時間已經有點晚了,小跑著進去.發現空空的沒幾個人.才松口氣坐下. 這麽空可能是因爲黃金甲沒有十面埋伏公映的時候那麽多宣傳. 也可能因爲不是武打片,也可能是因爲沒有章子怡.

黃金甲裏這群人,演技最好的就是劉烨了. 我一直喜歡他. 雖然辛巴大姐總說他是民工相. 可是他凹下去的雙頰,蒼白的臉色,大而圓的眼睛. 正好適合演這樣一個聰明又懦弱的王子. 劉烨發現密謀,然後質問皇後那段最好看了. 話都說的全,說的盡. 表演的也淋漓盡致, 看著痛快. 不象戲裏其他人, 欲言又止吞吞吐吐. 看得我著急.

周傑倫的演技就被比下去好多. 初聽皇後藥裏有毒, 需要表現出震驚和憤怒,我看的時候都替他捏把汗. 周傑倫的衣服好象太沈.不然武打動作還可以顯得再驕健些.洗澡的鏡頭遠看我還以爲是大王子呢. 結果是周傑倫,給他洗澡不知道是啥意思.又沒有秀身材%$##%$

如果真要一一對位, 周傑倫帶兵反抗的精神有些象雷雨裏面的魯大海. 可是他的反抗是局限在母子之情,爲了救母才起兵. 並不是出于想要推翻獨裁, 他最後也並不能背叛父君. 所以最後一劍還是刺在自己身上. 這一點就和魯大海反壓迫反封建要求平等的精神完全不同了. 沒有了這層精神,我就不太明白翻拍一個雷雨的意義在哪裏.

我不喜歡黃金甲裏把吃藥改成了毒藥. 我覺得,十年來枯木死灰的生活夠讓人絕望了, 再加上大王子要出走, 這時候皇後被逼謀反. 更有震撼力. 改了毒藥之後,一切都簡單化了. 你要毒死我,我自然要反抗. 也許皇後的謀反也是爲了留住大王子. 只是加了毒藥這一節, 謀反留人的效果就被削弱了.

不過,就算謀反成功了. 留得住留不住大王子,皇後都沒有好結果. 留住了,荒淫的皇太後在曆史上都沒有好下場的. 向來女子都逃不過忠孝禮義的懲罰.那些大臣們怎麽可能放過她.
留不住呢,雖然不用再吃毒藥了. 然後呢? 繼續枯木死灰. 一樣的悲劇. 所以說毒藥這一節是多余的. 殺死皇後的又不是毒藥.

讓我遺憾的是, 謀反的力量差別太懸殊了. 根本沒有撕殺. 直接屠殺! 沒有給人一點點希望. 一進大門就知道他們完了. 後來亂箭齊放是在炫耀武力. 其實那時候根本可以讓他們繳械的. 很多人也都會繳的. 與其屠殺, 讓二王子看著手下齊齊下跪, 背叛他, 更能顯示皇帝的至高無上不可動搖的權利. 是皇帝不會弄權還是導演的智謀和武夫相當.

說到智謀,二王子邊疆三年,是應該稍微懂得帶兵的. 可是向來逼宮是講究講裏應外合的, 二王子怎麽只把禁衛軍撤了,而沒有預備自己的人呢. 這樣,就算皇帝預先不知道謀反的密謀, 內宮那麽大,他也是可以趁機逃跑的. 只要皇帝不死,別人是坐不了王位的.
再說, 帶兵是要過一關守一關的, 沒見過沖進大門了, 居然沒有派人把守的大門. 這樣的打法,就算皇帝不知道他們謀反,我看也難成事.

bf對結局很不滿. 說沒有交代清楚. 我問他對誰的結局不明白. 他想了想, 說都明白. 可是覺得還是交代出來比較好. 我覺得結局明白交代二王子自殺已經不錯了. 如果停在三個人都坐下那一幕,你說是不是叫人更犯嘀咕? 我想bf對結局不滿意是覺得受欺負受壓迫的都死了, 失去了這麽多生命,並沒有換來什麽? 改變什麽, 動搖什麽. 一切都沒變. 只是犧牲了很多無辜的生命. 這確實夠讓人失落的.

另外: 結局拍得還是不錯的. 透綠色的杯子和暗紅的藥水飛出去,然後慢慢灑下來, 讓人覺得,電影又回歸到因簡單自然而體現出來的美. 或者說,結局讓人更加感激簡單自然的美.

The Holidays

2006-12-29T13:11:00.001-08:00

After watching the first half the holidays, I was already disappointed. My bf asked, "What did you expect from this movie?" I was expecting another "Kissing Jessica Stein", journeys of two completely different girls rediscovering love, life and themselves by breaking out of the normal routines, by doing something completely different.

The holidays wasn't as thought provoking as "Kissing Jessica Stein". It was not even as heart warming as "Love Actually".
The holiday started off with a very attractive concept, swapping homes with someone from a different city. One was from LA, the other London, and first time in the new cities for both. How exciting as I had longed for such an experience, escaping to a different city, a new home, new people, living a different life, experiencing a different culture, a life do-over.

But the holidays quickly shrank this concept to just a new romance, a new leading man. The only difference between LA and London as far as I could tell was the accents. The London experience never went beyond the girl's cottage and Jude Law's bedroom.
The LA experience was limited to only the LA movie industry. Three people in her LA life were a movie script writer; a movie music composer, and an actress. How dare they reduce LA to just the Hollywood?

But I loved Jude Law's role in this movie as a caring father. I loved when Jude Law showed his insecurities as he talked about how hard it was to be a father and a single man. I was a little surprised when he said he sometimes pretended the kids didn't exist. Surprised because I had already settled down into this otherwise completely sugar coated movie.

Christmas cards kicked my butt

2006-12-26T13:23:00.000-08:00

All I wanted was a couple of blank Christmas cards so I can express my appreciations and my Christmas wishes to those whom I usually don’t tell enough how special they are to me.

As I stood in front of aisles and aisles of cards, I realized Christmas card makers had thought of every category of friendship imaginable and had made Christmas cards and wrote down Christmas wishes for them. To mother, father, daughter, son, grandma, grandpa, love, friend, coworker, boss and humor, classics, contemporary, cute, religious, etc… whatever feelings you had, there was a card for them and there were words written down for them, words that were better written than you could ever thought of yourself.

But I wanted completely black Christmas cards. I didn’t want other people’s thoughts invading my card. I had to leave the store empty handed. Are we really so handicapped as "they" think that we couldn't be trusted in writing our own words in our Christmas cards? They had to make sure that there were no blank cards left in the rack so we wouldn't ruin another person's Christmas by "oh my gosh" doing our own writings?
Maybe, just maybe I will make my own cards next year.

Only in California...

2006-12-23T11:48:00.000-08:00

will you find people pair a turtle neck sweater with flip flops....
or tan tops with fur boots....

Engineering Ignorance

2006-12-12T14:38:00.000-08:00

Today google has the scream as a logo. If you click on it, it shows links to Edvard Munch.
But for the longest time I thought it was one of Van Gogh's paintings.
After I confessed my confusion to my coworker, we looked at each other, shrugged and said what we always say at situations like these:

"What do we know? We are engineers."

Things you find out about yourself....

2006-12-06T18:14:00.000-08:00

How do you know if you are a nerd?

When you think the user manual of an operation system is fun to read.

Yes, that where we draw the line...

Watch TV, Learn About Men

2006-12-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

Don't you just love numbering? It makes things so easy to follow!
What else makes things easy to follow? Proper indentations! Tabs! :D:D
That's why Vi editor doesn't get my vote.

1. After watching, Miami Vice, I learned that when a guy asked you if you had a secret stash , such as a a secret mansion, bank account; if you wanted to stop drug smuggling and disappear with your money BY YOURSELF, you need to be alarmed because he is an undercover cop!!

Men lust for money more than women. If a man tells you to not be greedy and leave while you can, red lights should flash everywhere and loud speaker should go off,"He is a cop! He is a cop!"

P.S. Gong Li saddens me. Lots of the roles she played were seemingly independent women who indeed were submissive to men, and needed men's care and protection to survive.
In this movie, her business partner\the big boss\bed buddy\whatever you want to call him gave her to the second man in command when he found out she was no longer loyalto him. He did not question her in person nor did he give her a chance to explain. It was like giving away a pet. No one asked the pet's opinion because a pet is a pet is a pet. At the will of a man, her man, Gong Li turned from a powerful business woman to a captive. Just like that! Snap!

After the undercover cop saved her and made arrangements to send her away, she asked him no questions. She put up no resistance. Why did he betray her? Why did he save her? Where is he sending her? Is he going with her? Why not? These are my questions. But she wasn't curious like me. She went as she was told. She was just a helpless little girl that needed the big powerful men's rescue after all! Pity!

2. After watching Dexter, I learned that when a girl exclaimed,” WOW! You are the last good men in the world." "You are so perfect!" she ought to realize that he was a serial killer.

Perfection is impossible to achieve.
Imagine the determination it requires to mock perfection CONSISTENTLY.
If a guy can mock perfection, he can do anything, fool anyone. He gets away with killing as easily as a kid gets away with stealing cookies from the kitchen jar. Just hide the crumbs and clean your hands afterwards.

3. After watching Dead Like Me, I learned that it was OK to call men shallow. “Shallow is the new deep, haven’t you heard?” :)

Lunch Time Story

2006-11-27T15:23:00.000-08:00

I stood there and listened to him telling the story, his story.

I wore dark purple turtle neck sweater, deep red low cut vase, dark grey dress pants, and black ankle-height boots. My hair bangs, thicker than I last saw it, covered part of my right eye. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I wondered if I looked attentive. I wonder if he poured his heart out to me because I “looked” attentive. I wondered if he needed advices from me when he was done with his story. I wondered if I had anything to say to him.

He met her in London. They spent a few hours everyday for a few weeks together. Then he left to France, to Italy, to Canada. She went back to America. That was where they spent another few weeks together. Then he went back home to Australia. She went to see him and stayed there for a month. Finally, it was time for her to leave.

They handled the long distance well at the beginning. They wrote constantly. They talked. They looked forward to and cherished each visit. They held on for years. They must loved (still do, I bet) each other deeply.

I wasn’t sure how the story ended, really, except that they ended it. My mind drifted in the middle of the story. I started to wonder if they would ever love again, if their new love would measure up to this one. This was possibly the first love for both of them. First love itself is hard enough to get over with without being amplified by the long distance.

"It was like saving a falling leaf." He concluded.

I blame the modern transportation. They allow us to fly thousands of miles before we are ready to plunk our roots and move across thousands of miles, for love.

Happy Thoughts! : )

2006-11-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

Finally~~~ the days of categories/labels arrived!!
Moving to Blogger Beta was fun!
Going through every entry published in the last two years and label them one by one was fun!
It was great that one entry could have more than one label because a lot of the entries were border-line entries. And I didn't want to go crazy with labels.

I changed the layout to "Happy Thoughts". I stole the name from “Dead like me”. “Dead like me” is a fantastic TV show by the way. It is currently shown on SciFi on Tuesdays, 7pm PCT. It is also on DVD, both seasons.
Too bad the show was cancelled when it was first aired on Show Time. I signed the online petition to continue the show. There are already millions of signatures. I wonder if SciFi will pick it up and make new series of the show. I wonder where all the cast members are now....

Anyway, in “Dead like me”, there is one lovely red haired Grim Reaper. Before she takes a person's soul, she raises her camera, smiles brightly and says, "Happy Thoughts!"
Grim reapers live for years and years, centuries and centuries. She saves the pictures of every single person she ever reaped, categorize them and put them in large bags.

To think about it, I am a lot like her. I like to save things, thoughts actually. I especially enjoy categorizing them. It is like saving for retirement. I like to save all the thoughts I ever had growing up and old. When I retire, I will have bags and bags of thoughts and memories to remember my life by. And categorizing makes them that much easier to retrieve. :B

Question of the day

2006-11-14T13:47:00.003-08:00

if i write an email all in black lingo/slang, does it make it a blackmail?

November Rain

2006-11-05T17:20:00.000-08:00

I like November, partly because it is my month.
In some parts of the world, November is when the leaves turn red and crisp, then eventually fall and reveal the naked branches.

But in LA, you can hardly notice the changes except that the wind blows a little chilly. You don't feel the heat on the back of your neck when you go out for lunch at noon. You look up because you notice the absence of the attack from the sun. And indeed, the sun looks a little further away in the sky. You also notice the sky is so perfectly dotted with bright soft clouds it looks like it is taken directly out of a kid' drawing book, the bluest sky with the purest clouds.

"Look! Clouds" You yell because clouds are rare to find. Plus, clouds always have been a good reason to be excited.

You take a deep breath in. You realize the air is cool and moist. You know the air is familiar. You remember autumn in Dalian. You remember the streets lay out with red bricks, lined with unknown trees. You remember walking on these streets covered with dried, curled up leaves, talking with friends, trying to step on every single leaves, and wishing to grow up, faster. Your eyes become a little moist now. November air always makes your eyes a little moist.

"Winter is here now!" You declare as you sniff your nose. Only you are talking to the wrong people. They are from the east coast. They look at you with a sneer, thinking how spoiled you are by the good weather in LA.
"This is more like late summer where I came from.” They say.

"You look so Chinese today." They say referring to the Jade bangle from your grandmother you are wearing.
"Yeah" You reply touching the bangle, rotating it. You wear it whenever you miss your grandmother.

How many songs are dedicated to November?

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

The Myth of Cooking

2006-09-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

The day before yesterday, I tried to make stir fry onions and eggs. (Weird combination I know. That's all I had in my refrigerator at the time.)

I don't know what went wrong. In the end, the garlic was burned. The onions were soggy and overcooked. The meal overall looked disgusting. Everything tasted bitter and smelled toxic.

Yesterday the bf stir fried onions and pork in tomato paste for me after my once a week gym session. When I ate his food, I almost burst out into tears. It tasted so good yet it was so simple. Tomatoes and onions together woke up all of my tastes buds on my tongue and on the sides of my tongue and at the bottom of my tongue. Even the rice had flavors, I said to the bf. He looked back at me in sympathy and I knew it was time to admit how hopeless I was in the kitchen.

When I had to live on my own and cook for myself, I discovered the complexity in making a meal for the first time in my life. I thought to myself in despair, is this what I have to do everyday for the rest of my life? Cooking???!!!! The shock and desperation echoed with the same shock and desperation raised by my first period.

Like the period, I learned to deal with cooking eventually. It is good that I was poor but health conscious at the same time so I didn't fall back to easy alternative like fast food. For a while, I thought I was getting better at cooking, from always throwing everything into a pot and pretend it was deluxe fried rice to making separate dishes like normal people; from stir frying everything on earth to making soup, even steaming fish.

All of it fell apart when the kitchen got crowded, and I got busy at work. Cooking, unlike riding a bicycle, is a skill that if you don't practice you will forget.

People have told me that a good engineer would also make a good cook because cooking is about attention to details and following instructions, to the teeth.
I was never good at doing things step by step due to my short attention span. I always have to jump ahead, skip a step here and there or make substitutions in the receipt.

I guess this means that I am doomed culinarily and professionally.

Good thing is that I have a boy friend that cooks. Now...if only I can get him to take up a second job.

The healing process of writing....

2006-09-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about all the decisions I have made in the past that shaped me into who I am today.

I am afraid that I have made some very bad choices. You know how people say there are no good or bad choices in lives. Different choices just lead us to different turns and different experiences. But I have made choices that are so bad, even the most optimistic and uplifting person would agree that they are not just some casual turns in lives, they are indeed horrible horrible detours.

I even thought about if it was a right decision to come to US at all. (Although it wasn't my decision so it was mostly likely inevitable.)

Ya, that's what I have been doing recently, doubting myself.

I remember being stronger and more determined. But lately I've been feeling like giving up, feeling like fake collapsing onto the floor and waiting for someone to come and fix my life for me. Then this someone will help me up, sit me down, then neatly hand my life back to me all fixed and bright and sunny again.

When I was much younger, I read this book review. The very smart and wise critic commented, "One woman is like a bamboo standing tall, strong and straight under the sun. The other woman is a delicate lily. When there is wind, the bamboo breaks easily while lily bends and sways in the wind and survives."
Striping off the metaphors, what she meant was simply that a seemingly strong person could indeed be very fragile while a person who is weak in appearance could survive when no other can.

The book critic committed suicide two years before I read her review and I am afraid that 13 years later I grow up to be a bamboo.

I cry a lot nowadays. More like I cry a lot easier because they are mostly over small things. I think letting my emotions out in the open is one step closer to being a lily. I occasionally find myself rambling on the phone, too. Have I become one of these annoying friends that talk other people's heads off about her own little problems? But I am surprised that allowing other people to cheer me up made them feel happy and rewarding, too. It’s strange how things sometimes turn out.

This is going to sound so cheesy but instead of fighting against the wind, maybe I need to swing and slide my way through it to survive.....all the while in the elegancy of a lily.

So much to say

2006-07-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated for so long. I have so much to say, to be written down.
The problem is that if I don't write them down when they pop up, they slowly evaporate, leaving an after taste in my mind which reminds me that I once had something interesting to say. But now they are gone.

I changed my job. I am very proud of myself. Here is why:
People tell me all the time that it would be the same everywhere. Same problems only with different representations, same annoying people only with different faces and name tags.
But I searched for new jobs anyway and changed anyway because I still believe that things can be better. It came as a little shock to me that I am actually an optimist at heart. I am proud of myself for still believing in the good in people and society.

This year is full of surprises. Who would've guessed it would rain in late July, who would've guessed lightening and thunders would take over the sky on a summer night . On Saturday, the boyfriend who hadn't seen too many lightening in his life was struck by the "beauty" of lightening and insisted on driving towards it to get a "closer" look.

The drive led us to the hills of Palos Verde. After we drove higher and higher on the dark whinny roads of PV, we somehow stumbled upon a make out spot, oh, I mean, a look out spot that sat on the edge of the cliffs and overlooked the ocean. The boy friend was happy to point out that we were not the only crazy people who chased after the lightening on this Saturday night. The little look out spot was packed with cars. People watched the lightening like they would with fireworks. There, leaning against the hood of a Tacoma, I wondered if this explained the ultimate differences between men and women. He held out the camera high in his arm, trying so hard to capture the ever so elusive lightening, while I was more stunned by the ocean beneath, the long curvy coast line and the lights on land that represented roads, houses and lives.

没发的信: 三

2006-06-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

这次写信给你,主要是想告诉你.我终于要离开公司了.
工作了近三年半, 当时我们差不多时间进公司,
前年的时候你嚷嚷着要换公司. 甚至要来美国.
你还没走呢, 我却先要离开了.
你舍不得.
我舍得.

我想你我缘分差不多都到这里了. 以后不会再在CODE里面看到你的名字了. 听不到你偶然的消息了. 圣诞节你还会照例给我发个卡片吗? 一年一个. 很多很多年后,再拿个装拉满满的卡片的鞋盒在公园里见面? 好象生锈的钻石那首歌里唱的. we both know what memories can bring. they bring diamonds and rust

全文完.

Chocolate Meltdown

2006-05-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

During the week, the bf stole a chocolate covered apple from his friend's "Edible Arrangements" to the friend's girlfriend. Obviously, his action didn't bother him in the least bit. He told me how he thoroughly enjoyed the apple and even talked me into making our own chocolate covered fruits this weekend.

The chocolate we used was dark GuyLian Belgian chocolate that contained 60% cocoa. We were shooting for that bitter flavor in chocolate to contrast with the sweet taste of strawberries. When I was cutting them down into small pieces, I could already smell the rich and flavorful aroma. I was caught eating them several times.

The strawberries were washed, dried, and waiting to be dressed.

Melting chocolate was tricky. We first were going to melt it in a saucer pot on the stove, and maybe add a little water. After a little googling, we realized it was a terrible idea. Absolute no moisture could be added to the chocolate during the melting. Otherwise, the result can be disastrous. We found two methods: using a double layer steamer or an oven. We used the steamer. The chocolate melted pretty fast. We kept the fire low during the coating so the sauce stayed soft and absolutely smooth.

The strawberries were eventually covered completely from head to toe with chocolate. Don't they look cute? We weren't all done with them in this picture. We then put them in the fridge to make the chocolate dry faster.

After finishing the strawberries, we still had left over chocolate sauces. We sliced up some Fuji apples and covered them with the remaining chocolate sauce. Putting them on a stick and into a beer mug, we then had our own "edible arrangements". :D

Adding chocolate coating to sliced apples

Chocolate covered apples on a stick

The bowl was still covered with a thick layer of rich chocolate. We had a bag of sliced almonds so we mixed them into the bowl with the remaining chocolate sauce. This accidentally turned out to be a very tasty treat, my favorite of all.

Almonds

While the strawberries and apples were put to dry, we dove into the chocolate almonds.

Taste Test

A pieced of almond slice

没发的信:二

2006-05-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

前年夏天的时候, 我们在Vince Beach一个小店门口坐着说了很多话. 我告诉你我小时候在姥姥家有辆红色的三轮车, 忘了谁买给我的了,只记得我整天屋里屋外的骑着. 到了夏天, 就在小车上放个西瓜,推着走来走去.

去年在慕尼黑, 你居然还记得我说的话, 指着公园里骑小车的女孩问我, "看!是不是你小时候啊?"

前前年的一天, 我快下班了, 一个同事拜托我带两个刚刚从德国来人生地不熟的同事去附近超市认认路. 我情急之下想不到理由推辞,就只好带你们两个傻大个去了. 在超市里说了什么都忘了. 只记得我推着车东跑西跑,催着你们买好了东西,就跑掉了.

后来我把你们给忘了. 你说几次在拿咖啡的时候碰到我, 你有问过我周末过得怎么样之类的话. 我头也没抬的说声挺好,就转身走了. 可是我完全没印象.

几个月后一天我中午拔牙回来直接就去参加路试. 我捂着半肿的脸上了车, 就看到你坐在车里傻傻的笑着. 我这时候突然记起你来了, 口齿不清的问你,生活还习惯吗, 后来又去过那间超市吗? 都去LA那些地方玩过拉? 你整个脸红了起来, 先是笑, 然后才说了句, 还不错.
我指着我的脸向你解释说,我是刚刚去拔了牙的, 才肿成这样, 不是天天都这样的. 你更笑得不行. 脸也更红了. 在开车的组长看你不好意思了,就回头和我说,"stop teasing him." 我于是挤到前排开始做笔记了. 你后来脸一路都红着. 我还担心着你是不是不太适应加洲天天都是大太阳的好天气 .

(未完)

没发的信: 一

2006-05-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

亲爱的托比阿丝,

时间过得真快. 自从上次见面到现在已经快一年了.
不知道你最近过的好不好. 听这边作AR的人都说你们工作很忙.
不知道你是不是过着周而复始的日子. 上班下班,解决年年MODEL都会出现的同样的问题.
是不是早上还是去同一家蛋糕店买两个pastrie.然后早上吃一个,中午吃一个.

我在那里的最后一个星期五, 中午没有象通常那样去和DB组的同事吃饭. 我去了你天天去的那个PASTRY店, 买了两个PASTRIE, 一瓶果汁. 我很能吃把.一顿吃两个.

店员英文不太好,可是对我还算耐心拉,一个个解释. 我拖延着和他讲话, 想象着你每天早上买早点的感觉. 我就这么痴痴的. 你就在几米外的办公室里坐着,我却要跑来这间路边的小店里怀念你.

还君明珠双泪垂
恨不相逢未嫁时

我从来没有向你解释过什么
你也没有问.

我酒量不行,啤酒只能喝一杯, 你也喝了一杯就停了. 我换了果汁, 你也跟着换了.
我眯着眼睛坐在大太阳下, 你就站起来让我坐到你阴凉的位置.
我的冰其淋有点化了, 你的刚好来了, 你没说话就伸手跟我换了. 我都没机会推辞.
我住在酒店里,没有车, 走路上班,早上下雨了, 你打电话来说要来接我, 你到了, 天却放晴了, 我们两个就尴尬的笑.

我认识你在先, 可是现在我已经有了男朋友.
我们只能小心翼翼的相处.
我没有解释过.
你也没问过.

去德国之前, 我被问到,"你现在见了他,该怎么办呢?"
"公事公办呀!"

德国的天鹅真多,
夏天的时候德国的白天真长,
晚上九点了, 天还是亮着, 空气仍然很湿.
走在有天鹅慢慢游的湖边上, 我希望自己自私一些, 任性一些, 不负责任一些....

(未完)

How to say,” If you are here illegally, then you shouldn't be here!” in Spanish?

2006-04-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

Among the things that piss me off lately, illegal immigrants protest is on top of the list.

How to say,” If you are here illegally, then you shouldn't be here!” in Spanish?
I figure the protesters haven't got the idea yet because nobody has said it in Mexicanish for them!

The most outrageous part is when asked what they want out of this protest, the protesters don't even know.
They said things like,

"uhmmm..."
"uhmmm..."
"I don't know.."
"uhmmm..."
"...Open borders...maybe?"

They are not happy with the situation, but they don't have any solutions. So they decide to flood the streets, get the attention, and then let the white people solve it for them!

Typical Mexicans!!

Why do they think they are entitled to a green card just because they have been illegal for a long time?
It is like saying: I have been stealing from you for the past five years. You should be used to it by now. So why don't you just direct deposit the money to my account at the beginning of every month?

Why do they think American should open their borders?
It is like saying: Person A builds a nice little home with a front porch and a back yard. Person A also spends a lot of time building a nice rose garden, fixing the house and maintains the plumbing system regularly. Person A even puts up a nice little playground for his kids.

At the same time the neighbor person M shits all over his home. When the shits piled up so high that he has no place to sleep, he peeps over to his neighbor’s house and really likes what he sees. So he jumps over the fences and stays there.

When person A calls the cops to arrest him, person M protests and says, “There shan't be a fence. Jesus (or is it Confucius) said love your neighbors so you should open your fence and let my relatvies and me stay at your home!”

That’s basically what the protesters are doing.

So why haven't get a legal status after all these years?
They say they can’t gain legal status because they can’t find a job that sponsors them.

Of course, these jobs often require this thing called, ”Skills.”

If the protesters want to be legal, they should be busy getting themselves an education instead of marching down the streets waving American flags and shouting Spanish words.

They say they can’t get an educated because they are poor.

There are many Chinese that are born in very poor and remote villages in China but manage to have gone very far because of their determination of lifting themselves out of poverty. These are walking, talking examples for these illegal immigrants.

Also they say they need to be legal for their kids.

Illegal immigrants’ kids are citizen of US because they are born here. If they leave, they will have to be separated from the kids. Well, they get into this situation themselves, didn’t they? They could either leave voluntarily with the kids before the government kick them out and take the kids. Or they can serve as a good example for the rest of the illegal immigrants wannabes.

While the illegal immigrants trying to use the old Chinese saying,”法不责众.” (The law no longer applies when the mass majority of the people break it), I won’t be surprised if the government decides to pardon them. After all this is the country whose legal system let OJ Simpson run free on the beautiful beach of Miami.

Well, I am sorry. This case is very different from OJ’s. When 法不责众 applies in the past, it often leads to revolution because the legal system, the foundation of the state is seriously challenged.

In today’s case, the national flag won’t change color but the credibility of the immigration law will be lost, forever.

Someone is going to look me really strange in the eyes and ask me,” Has there even been any credibility when it comes to immigration laws?”

A Series of Questions

2006-03-08T13:32:00.000-08:00

"if you can be free to act however you wish.
if nothing you said, nothing you did, would ever come back to haunt you.
if no crime would ever result in punishment.
if you can live beyond guilt and responsibility.
if you never have to answer for your actions...

would you do things differently?

is fear of punishment the only thing keeps us from doing wrong...
what about conscience?
What about ethics?

are we sophisticated enough to act well out of duty or respect, rather than fear?

Can you say you'd do nothing differently if you knew you'd never be caught?"

Day After the Hump Day.

2006-03-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

Some people have a special way of speech. When they talk they verbally deliver a package covered in velvet which, as you carefully open it, is revealed to be a jeweled dagger.
They then gently turn the dagger around and stab you in the belly...

This calculated verbal attack is many times crueler and colder than a direct insult.

But the worst part of it is not how it is delivered but rather when...

Imagine you are in your pajamas, sitting on the partially shaded patio, enjoying a nice afternoon sunshine with a warm apple cider in one hand... totally unguarded and utterly vulnerable...

Then BOOM! Comes the stab….

Shivers...

Although the stabs sometimes are shallow, you are guaranteed to be forever scared by the darkness of human nature.

I know I am...

They say, "All Good Things Come To An End."

2006-02-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

This morning, I woke up with a smile on my face. I cannot remember when it was the last time I woke up with a smile on my face.
Must have been years ago. Probably was one of these Chinese new year day at my grandparents' where I wake up to see new cloth laying next to me, to smell food cooking in the kitchen, to hear relatives talking and laughing in the next room. I would keep laying there pretending to sleep. I was afraid if I open my eyes this joyful moment would slipped away.

For years, years after that morning, I have been feeling like riding a boat in a river with unpredictable currents. Not sure which direction it will take me next. I try not to look too far ahead into the future. For I fear if I let my hope rise, I will be let down again.

This morning, when I woke up, I could hear the sound of the bf moving lightly in the room, trying to get ready without waking me up. I could still feel his warmth on my shoulders. When I turned towards the side, I could smell his fragrance on his pillow.
Then I realized the smile on my face. I continued to lie there, to enjoy feeling rooted and secure, again.

Sometimes I Hang On A Little Too Much To Old Memories

2006-01-24T23:55:00.000-08:00

QQ and Yiya both moved back to China from different parts of the world within this past week. I can't help feeling a little left out. I have absolutely no reason to. I used to be the only one outside of the Chinese border among our high school friends and never felt there was anything wrong with that. But things were simple back then. There were no other alternative paths but to finish college, within a reasonable time. No matter where we were in the world, we were all still working towards the same goal.

Then sometimes during college, both QQ and Yiya and many other high school friends came out of China and become scattered in US, Europe and Asia.

Then it's time to say bye bye to college. We now have many choices presented to us. Many moved back to China. Some of us stayed. I haven't regret my choice of staying. But after I heard that both QQ and Yiya had arrived safely in Dalian, I started to feel a little scared: Scared of the unforeseeable consequence of my choice. Scared that my path will take me further and further away from them after this week. Scared that I would no longer be able to relate to them, to share the many feelings and fears....

It looks like when I said bye bye to college I also waved goodbye to the days of my invincible youth.

There is this website where you can send post cards to them. On the post card, you can write down a secret or draw an image of a secret that you never told anyone before. They will put the post card on the website anonymously.

I guess my post card would be something like this:
A childish drawing of me waving with a handkerchief in my hand. On the left corner, two small figures walking away from me one after another. In the middle there is a line goes across the post card. Next to the line is my handwriting in blue ink: I will miss you very much... more so than I will worry about myself being left behind.

When A Broken Roof Met the Rainy Season

2006-01-19T10:38:00.000-08:00

Wind...
Strong wind...
Very strong wind...
It was 7 o'clock in the morning.....
I opened up my eyes.
I could hear the wind thrashing around the trees outside of my window...

"Ding ding ding..."
A phone rang.
When a phone is ringing, you have to pick it up.
But I missed it.

Played the voice mail on the speaker phone...
A man's voice coming through.... "Helloo....hello.....Feizi feizi.. hello!!"
(of course he said my real name instead of feizi)
He was out of breath...
The voice was not familiar to me. It was harsh and full of edges.... Not a former lover, that's for sure.

"It is your roommate."
Just when I was ready to ignore the whole incident and go back to sleep, the bf spoke up.

I dialed the number back.
"Ah Feizi feizi. I saw... I saw your car..."

We got out of bed. Fast. I couldn't remember the last time I got out of bed this fast...
I grabbed the cell phone.
I despite cell phones. Carrying a cellphone is like having a invisible rope tied around my neck. But I never go anywhere without it. Who knows when an important phone call will come in. Who knows when I will need to dial the three magic digits for rescue... all for the sake of the few important occasions...

We got on the street... sparkling...there are something sparkling on the street... all over the street...
Next to them was a white car. My white car.
The front wheels were turned in a way which made it seem like she was screaming to be driven.

She was screaming alright. But it was for something else.
Pain.
Someone, probably a thief, hurt her last night.
Her tears are over the street looking sparkling under the morning sunshine....
The wind had spread the tears even further. By then the whole block was covered by tiny sparkling glasses...

The wind was still blowing strong. It came through my jacket, through my sweater to my bare skin. I tried not to tremble. I tried to plant my feet firm in the ground. Only I had no control of my hair. My hair was growing wild in the wind.
I wonder if it was her scream that woke me up at 7 o'clock this morining.

I dialed 911.
They said I shouldn't touch anything, open any door until the policy officer came over.

"Sorry... I have to leave you on the street like this. Sorry....I can't clean you up yet." I thought to myself as I walked back to the apartment.

Before I turned the corner, I looked back at my little white car in the wind. Vulnerable is not enough to describe her.

After I turned the corner, the wind disappeared.

No More Wisdom

2006-01-13T17:25:00.001-08:00

Dec 31st, my leftmost tooth started hurting. It was just my luck that no dentist was open on that day or the following two days.
I rushed in to the dentist's office as soon as they reopened in January.
It turned out to be an infection caused by my growing wisdom tooth. I left the office that day with a x-ray picture of the lower left corner of my mouth and an appointment with an oral surgeon.

Magically, after the visit to the dentist, it didn't hurt anymore. I looked at the x-ray picture again and again debating whether I should chicken out on the surgery and just hope for its decision to stop growing.

When the date of appointment finally came, I was glad I went in to see the oral surgeon.

When I was put to watching the wisdom teeth video, the video talked about the worst case of wisdom tooth. It was when the tooth was growing side ways and FULLY covered by tissues AND bones. Bones?! I remembered thinking "Wow, that really sucks. I sure couldn't have that judging by the little x-ray photo I had at the dentist."

After a full mouth x ray, it turned out that I had two other teeth growing on my right side. Both growing horizontally. Both covered by bones.

Anyway, since I need to be put to sleep for the left one, I agreed to remove the right ones also.

"Don't worry. It will be over in 45 to an hour. You won't feel a thing after you wake up."
"hehehe..." was my nervous chuckles.

Later on, by later on I mean after I looked at the bill that almost put me to another doctor's office, I was put on a dental chair. The nurse attached four circular pulse detectors on both of my wrists and my ankles...You know like in the movies. After that I could see my heart rate on the screen of the EKG machine...again, like in the movies...
I couldn't help thinking this is kinda cool. I wish someone could take a picture of me so I could see how ridiculous I looked later on.

I should keep a short story short.
They then have me inhale the sleeping gas. I struggled hard to keep my eyes open for a while.
Then the next thing I know, I was helped by a nurse into a bed in a small sleeping room with a mouth full of soft cotton pads. Before I fell back to sleep again, last thing I remembered was the smell the blood from my mouth.

A while later, I heard my ride, the bf, came in and sat down next to me. Then the nurse came in and told him to wake me up. Before he could do anything, the nurse turned on the bright orange light that shined right into my eye. I sat up immediately.

Hours later, I was at home. The anesthesia was no longer in effect. But it didn't hurt as much as what people had told me. My mouth was just incredibly sore. My jaws, tongues, teeth.... sore sore sore...

This is wrap up the story of the removal of my wisdom teeth.

It's a New Year's Thing

2006-01-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

I am not as brave as I used to be.
I am drifting with the crowd.
It scares me.

What else scares me is realizing that there won't be a meaning to life unless I try hard to give it one; and how many people have failed to do so; and that I am becoming one of these people.

Tangerines.

2005-12-19T17:55:00.000-08:00

They bring back fond memories from my childhood.
Like...
Cold winter afternoons
Gloved hands peeling open a tangerine and the smell of tangerines on the gloves
Dry tangerine skins lying in a line on top of the heaters because they make the room smell good.
and
a teacher extend her hand to me with a tangerine in it after I had been coughing endlessly in class

I always associate tangerines with winter. We have long endless winter in our hometown. 6 month. Twenty years ago, the distribution of fruits were controlled and paid by the government. Fruits from the south didn't get transported to the north. Before the winter came, people in our hometown would stock up on fruits, such as apples and tangerines. What we stored were the only fruits we could eat in the following 6 months.

Then several years later, free trade markets were established. I didn't realize the significance in calling a market FREE until many years later. At that time, free trade market brought oranges and strawberries and pineapples, watermelons in winter to the frozen north.

After the free trade market, I hardly eat any tangerines anymore.

Many years later, in a city with no winter, my cube mate discovers tangerines at a local super market where he always buys lunch boxes. He brings them back to the office and shares them with me. He calls them hybrid oranges because they appear smaller than the "normal" oranges.

At the same time, I find boxes of tangerines scattered in my room and my boyfriend sitting on the couch, eating five of them at a time.

The boyfriend used to get up early on Saturday mornings to go to farmer's market for grapes. "They are healthy snacks." he announces it every time I point out the fact that the amount of the grapes he buys can feed a small army.
Then he tastes a tangerine.
Now he gets up early Saturday morning to go to farmer market for tangerines. Now I tell him the amount of tangerines he buys can feed a small army.
Now he replies, "Tangerines are healthy snacks. They are also not so tedious to wash as grapes!"

Now I start eating tangerines again. They remind me of winters in Dalian.

50 Steps Laughed at 100 Steps:五十步笑百步

2005-12-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

One of the challenges I face with English is that I can't cite useful short phrases that are only known to Chinese people.

These short phases usually have stories behind them. They are express ways to get an idea conveyed without having to give long extensive back stories.

Therefore, I am thinking about making a handbook for foreigners to understand them.
Say, if you want to effectively converse with me, read this handbook of popular citations and wisdom phases first. This way, when I cite them, you will know what I am talking about. We can call this Chinglish. English with Chinese citations. You go half way, I go half way. It's only fair.

Entry Number One: 50 Steps Laughed at 100 Steps.

At this ancient battle field, one side is getting defeated. Some soldiers dropped the swords and shields and started to run away even though the general told everyone to hold the line. Some of them run 50 steps and then stopped. Other run 100 steps then stopped. At the end of the battle, the soldiers that run 50 steps laughed at the soldiers that run 100 steps and said, " You guys are such cowards!! ha ha ha!"

This is called "50 Steps Laughed at 100 Steps."

The moral of the story is: Don't ever join the military!

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

2005-12-16T13:55:00.000-08:00

I can never remember how to pronounce the word: Chronicles if I am not staring at it.

On Monday, one of my co-workers wanted to know if I saw the Chronicles of Narnia.
He said it like this, " Hey, did you watch the **hmm hmm** of Narnia?"
I couldn't help but smiling.... one more person that couldn’t say the word: Chro-ni-cles-. :D haha~

I liked the movie a lot. I was surprised that my boyfriend liked it, too. In the first half of the movie where they tried to set up the story and the world of Narnia, I was a little worried that he might think it was too slow. I thought he would be anxious to see the lion and the battle scenes. Surprisingly, he enjoyed the story and enjoyed watching the fauns and the witch and the talking beavers coming to life.

For me, I especially liked little Lucy and her conversation with Mr. Tumnus. When they first met, Mr. Tummus looked at Lucy up and down and asked, "Are you a dwarf?" "No~~~" Lucy frowned a little then smiled, "I am a girl~~~ I am the tallest in my class." The whole theatre burst out laughing at the same time.
I am a little surprised she didn't say, "I am a human and this is earth. Now! Tell me where you come from, little faun?" Well, that would have just been boring, wouldn’t it?

The movie is rated PG. In the battle scenes, there was no blood shed except when little Edmund got thrust by the Witch in the chest. Everything else killed by the witch got turned into stones. I can't remember what happened to the animals killed by the lion's side.

Since C.S. Lewis wrote these books for his granddaughter, Lucy, who was a little girl at that time, he added a grandfatherly story teller figure in the book who would jump out and explain things occasionally. The story teller had said things like," You should never trap yourself in the closet with the door closed" or "She kicked her shoes off and keep her head above the water. This is what you should do when you fall in the water.” and other things to make sure a little girl can understand the stories. It's very sweet of him to do these. But they made the pace of the books slow for me to read. This is why I only got passed the first book after my friend bought them for me several years ago. (It is either that or I am too old for fair tales.) The movie didn't have the story teller to interrupt the pace. It made the movie a lot more enjoyable. The movie also visualized everything, such as, the fauns, the centaurs, the bulls with man’s heads, the White Witch, the great lion with his legendary hair. It makes everything so much easier for the less imaginative people like me. Who says movies and televisions make people stupid, huh?

I have started to read the next book, AGAIN. I still get frustrated occasionally because of the pace. But the unknown of the world in the Far East kept me from quitting.

"I saw the map of his goatee, the grand plan of it."

2005-10-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

When I read this line in a book, I can't help laughing out loud. I just have to stop doing my homework and point it out to everyone:
I know exactly what she meant, the map of a goatee, because it is in my face almost every day of my life.
My boyfriend, the boy with a big plan, is growing his goatee.
and he is determined to follow through it.

He has the top and the bottom part of the goatee all grown out. Both ends of top and bottom parts grow towards the opposite direction on the sides of his mouth until they were about to connect with on another. That's when the growing stopped. It has been like that for months now. You can tell both parts are itching to touch the opposite side. But no one wants to make the first move.

He waits patiently.People in my life
and
He spends more and more time in the bathroom. It takes him the same amount of time on shaving/trimming as an average person would spend on an average shower.

Last month, when he started to worry about what he should get for my birthday two months ahead of time, I told him he could get rid of his incomplete goatee as a gift because I was sick of his mustache getting all of his attention.

The horror I saw on his face!!
(and No was the answer.)

As of today, the shrewd, incomplete goatee is still teasing and tormenting both of us, for different reasons.

Will it be too evil of me to shave them all off while he is sleeping?

From the contemplating girl friend

Days like this

2005-09-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

My life as a programmer is mostly filled with tedious debugging, and fixing of ancient codes. Sometimes I go home with the feeling that I have worked in an abandoned warehouse all day. Digging out the old dirty codes and trying to make sense of them, moving things around and reorganizing them, then crossing my fingers and hoping it won't crash on me. At the end of the day, I have my arms and shoulders strained and myself covered in radiation dust. Then I go home, take a long warm bath and use a cotton cloth to wash off distress, boredom, and the blisters called routine.

Periodically, there comes days like these: I can create something that makes a different in the system, something that makes major performance improvement, something that's new and challenging. Something that, after spending days working on it, finally works. Around 11am this mooring, when I saw the new drawing show up correctly on the system and didn't make the system crash, my heart was instantly filled with joy. Enough joy that can keep me going for another several months or so without too much whinings and threatenings to quit.

days like this makes it harder to exchange reward for comfort .
days like this reminds me why I wanted to be a programmer in the first place.

The Joy

2005-08-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

Whenever I am trapped in a boring setting, I amuse myself by contracting the invisible muscles and scream silently.

....

How To Charm Me

2005-08-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

When we saw a bumper sticker that read, "It is never too late to have a happy childhood.", and I sighed, "I didn't have a happy childhood."

You squeezed my hand and said, "You are having one right now, aren't you?"

Long Long Way To Go.

2005-08-02T16:24:00.001-07:00

scribbled on napkins in a restaurant after a dental visit while listening to Def Leppard's long long way to go.

Sometimes I wish my life could end right now.

when my parents are still young, only in their early 50s.
when their health hasn't started to decline.
when they have stopped trying to change each other, have accepted and learned to live with each other's flaws.
when they decide to not work so much anymore and start to enjoy life more.

when my grandparents, with some help, can walk, talk, hear and see fine and think clearly,
when my grandmother still can show me how she makes her world famous vegetable bun,
when I can ask my grandmother to make the waistline of my QiPao smaller,
when I can open the curtain in my bedroom and see my grandfather working in the garden.
when my grandfather can explain why he disagrees with my taste in poetries and can locate most of his books on his shelves.

when my boyfriend still loves me.

when my friends, some graduating from school, some starting a new job, some getting married, haven't been so terribly disappointed by their lives, work or husband.

when myself, depending on no one, having no one depending on me, have not too much responsibilities at work, no kids to raise.
when I am free to do whatever I want to do.
when I still have what they call "hope"
when I still believe that life is full of endless possibilities and I can achieve whatever I set my mind on.

I wish my life ends here and now, with hope, without regrets.
because I am afraid of moving forward, I am afraid to see people I love leaving me, afraid to see lives wither, lives lost.

yeah I want to be this selfish girl and die at the happiest time of my life.

yeah...

Day 23 The flight away from home was never easy.

2005-07-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that I didn't enjoy my stay in China this time as much as before for various reasons, the flight away from home wasn't any easier.

The weather was hot and humid in Dalian. Girls wore half transparent tops that were loose and light and flew around as they walked. When the sun shined through it, you could see the outline of a bra and a tummy. Girls here always wore bras no matter how hot it got.

Almost all women owned a UV protected umbrella. I had my hands at my eye level when I walked the streets in downtown district umbrellaless. That's when I realized the advantage of having one. Not only it created a shaded area, it was also a tiny personal space where you could avoid bumping shoulders and sweaty arms with strangers and having your eyes poked by other umbrellas.

Grandfather
The writing brush, ink stick, paper and inkslab, which were the traditional implements and materials for writing and painting are called collectively as four treasures of the study.

while I was packing the night before the flight, grandfather called me over to his room and showed me a brand new set of “four treasures of the study”.

"Take it with you." He said and stuffed them in my hands.
"No,"I struggled with the weight of the box, "I have no use of them. Why don't you replace those poor brushes that are old and wore out and desperately needed a retirement with these ones." I pointed to his desk.
"They are still good. I don't need to use the new brushes."
"But I don't even know how to use them. You should keep it until you decide to throw away the old ones."
That's when he said abruptly, "What if I am not here anymore."

I was not sure why he said that. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't say anything else. I didn't take his "four treasures of the study", either. It would always remind me of what he said that day if I did, "What if I am not here anymore." If grandfather was not here anymore, the world certainly wouldn't be the same old world to me.
It scared me how he anticipate and talk about death like that.

Grandmother
For as long as I could remember, grandmother had knee problems. It had gotten a lot worse this time. It was killing me to see her struggle to walk from kitchen to living room, living room to bedroom. When she walked, she had to hold on to her walking stick with one hand and a wall or a furniture with the other. When there is no wall or furniture, she dragged a chair for support with each step she took.

She struggled to stand up, struggled to sit down. But she refused to ask any of us to fetch things for her. When I came to visit her one morning, I saw her trying to hang cloth in the front yard. The strings were a lot higher than her. I asked her why she didn't ask my cousin, who sat in front of his computer all day, to do it for her. She proudly showed me how she put the hanger on top of the stick and used the stick to reach higher than she normally could.

"You see," she said, "I don't need anyone's help."

When I left, I thought grandmother was prepared to not see me again. At least that's what I saw in her eyes. At the door, after I gave her a hug and said goodbye to her, I told her to stay there. She said OK. When I started to walk towards the gate, she followed. As we headed down hill to the main street to get a cab, I turned and saw her outside the gate walking slowly towards us. I knew it hurt a lot more when she walked down hills. I ran back to tell her to go back. This is when she looked at me like she was prepared to never see me again and said, "This little person is leaving again."

Day 3, Day 4

2005-07-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

Day 3
Today is, for lack of better words, strange.
When I called my boyfriend, he sounded like he was on the edge of breaking down.
I asked him what's wrong.
He seemed utterly surprised at my question.
"How can you tell there is something going on in my mind?” he said.

Can’t he hear his own voice? I wonder.

Because of the strange phone call at the end of the day, I forgot most of the things that happened today.
They will slowly come back to me when I go over the pictures later on.

Day 4
One of my two coworkers that were here with me flew back to LA this morning. The other went to work early. Since I walked to the office by myself, I had my camera in my hand hoping that I could see a SMART on the road and take a picture of it. While I was walking, a GIGANTIC Mercedes’ truck pulled over and stopped next to me. The driver looked at me, smiled over-dramatically and gestured to spit into his hands first, then used them to pull back his hair, and arranged his eye brows. I was shocked first by the size of the truck, then by his gestures. I didn't know what to do. After a brief hesitation, I waved at him. He pretended to look a little upset then he pointed to my camera and did a air camera pose. That’s when I realized what he was trying to do so I gladly took this picture. He drove off satisfied afterwards. So rare to see a German this animated.

I also saw this sign on the way to work. I don't know the words. But anything that involves sizes of condoms is destined to be funny. So I took this picture and ask a coworker for translation.
As it turned out, these words meant"For dreamers, realistic and show offs. "
At the bottom is another line of text. I asked him to read that to me.
"You should get one." he said.
"I should get one?"
"No…."
"Ohoh...” I interrupted, "You mean you should get one.” I pointed at him.
"That’s what it says." he answered while his face was turning red in embarrassment.

I took pleasure in embarrassing nice people including....especially the ones that are nice enough to help me.
No wonder the boy friend said he needed to subscribe nice pills for me.

Day Two

2005-06-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

This is strange. I will tell you why.
Last time we saw each other, we were in fifth grade. Students from our elementary school used to be able to go to a pretty good junior high school. But right before we were about to be upgraded to junior high, they changed the system and we would be sent to a different junior high school if we had stayed with them. Lots of students transferred to other schools upon hearing this news. He was one of them. (He seemed a little hurt that I didn't remember the exact year he transferred. I thought it was 6th grade.)

I know him a little better than other boys in elementary school because we used to participate in writing competitions together. At the competition, we would go into this room with 20 other people, then we were handed a piece of paper with the topic of the essay and rules on it. Then we would start writing away for about an hour or so. Now that I think about it, writing under time pressure wasn't really a good practice for students at that age. As a side affect, I talked fast and unclearly since my brain was used to be forced to get things out quickly.

15 Years later, this Monday, we decided to meet under the big statue in the city center square. He was a little skeptical about my ability to find the place. I didn't blame him because when my co-worker asked me how I could recognize him. I answered, "Can’t be too hard. He is short and chubby." The coworker looked at me wide eyed.

Of course he is not short and chubby anymore. (and I didn't have problems getting around, either.) But I was able to pick him out from the crowd in the park from far away. Same as he was in elementary school he carried himself in a way that's far more mature and elegant than guys his age. Also, he is THE only Asian guy in the park.

When we met, we spoke as if we had been speaking to each other frequently during the years, as if we never parted our ways.
I was glad he didn't ask me any of the generic questions people usually asked at a reunion like this. After losing contact for
15 years, we were quite comfortable at each other's company....well. I knew at least I was comfortable.

Considering the circumstances, trying to get over a jetlag in this 87 degrees and 100% humidity weather, I actually ate a lot and laughed even more. I had a good time(89%). we spent quite a long time trying to figure out what to order at a cheesy Chinese restaurant coz neither of us is good at making decisions and neither of us know the other person's likes and dislikes and neither of us wants to dictate the ordering process.

After I got into the cab at the end of the night, he had a serious look on his face and then he told me that he had just memorized the license plate number of the cab. In case I go missing, that is.:D:D

On the way back, I pictured myself kidnapped and thrown into the trunk of this cab. Then I pictured him go to the police station and gave them the license plate number and a sketch of my face. (He used to be good at drawing. I hoped he still was and could put together a somewhat accurate sketch of me.) After looking up the information, I pictured the police officer wore a grief look on his face, the kind anchor person wore when some one important died, and told him it was too late and... And then I pictured him walked back home and called my boyfriend in LA and told him about my last dinner event.....

I guess I smiled when I imagined my tragic death because the cab driver turned and asked me,” You like Stuttgart, lady?"

Lady? Did he call me lady?

Day One

2005-06-27T01:28:00.000-07:00

June 25th 6:45pm Airplane food. Pasta or Chicken?

It was interesting sitting next to the bathroom on the airplane and watching all the traffic going in and out of there.
It goes without saying that there is usually a long line after they serve food and drinks. But who would think there was also a high volume of traffic before they started serving food. People rushed into the bathroom as soon as the food and drink cart made its initial appearance at the beginning of the aisle.

7:20pm I start to miss you.

After getting over the initial discomfort of airplane seats and after two orange juices, one chicken and rice dinner, I started to miss you.
With my third orange juice, I got an extra cup of ice. I was glad that I listened to you and brought beef jerky and Jamaican rum with me.
I broke into chuckles several times on the plane when I thought of our silly good bye moments. We both said, I love you, too. doh~

In the bathroom, I realized that I was equipped with The Craig. I was wearing the T shirt your sister gave me. and the necklace you wore almost everyday was now on my neck. I was about to eat your Jamaican spicy bun as soon as I finished washing my hands and got out of here. I was reminded of you, constantly.
In the bathroom, I also realized that there was no way some people had had sex in this tiny compartment. No way.

JUn 26th 4:50pm It is so unfair that I lost 9 hours.

German bathrooms are tricky. When I sat on the toilet seat in the hotel, I found my legs dangling. I literately had to jump off the toilet seat after I finished. When I got out of the shower, I almost tripped because I miscalculated the height of the bath tub. It was a lot higher than what I was used to, A LOT HIGHER. I need to get used to bathrooms that are built for giants.

9:00pm The sun is still up.

9 o'clock here seems like 5 o'clock in LA. Those Germans are so lucky. Get out of work at 5pm and have another 4 hours of daylight to walk around or lay out in the park before sunset.

Do you know in big parking structures they reserve the parking spots close to the elevator for women? That's so awfully thoughtful of them~~

11pm They stayed up all night last night drinking.

I stayed up all night last night on the plane. They are gonna go down to the bar to drink more. I am gonna go pass out. I have been up for 22 hours. But it is strange going to sleep without talking to you.

A Long Way To China

2005-06-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

From LA to Stuttgart.
Stuttgart to Beijing. Beijing to Dalian. Be home around July 5th.

Q: What happens when a chaotic mind is armed with bad English.

2005-06-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

A: This entry.

There is a remote chance that I might be able to go back to china soon.
I am already really excited even though nothing is confirmed or finalized.

I miss my grandmother. Grandma can't hear very well over the phone so I haven't gotten to talk to her directly for years.
This time, if I do get to go home, I am gonna try to stay at home with her everyday and only go out after she goes to sleep.

My life has always been kind of difficult. Although they usually work out at the end, things rarely swing my way without me making an extra effort. I don't expect it to be different this time. Even if I do get to go to china, whether or not I can come back is another question. But I am sick and tired of waiting for my travel permit, sick and tired of being controlled by invisible forces. They are invisible. I can't even negotiate terms with them. I feel totally helpless and it sucks.

I decided to do this, going back to China, that is, three years ago. I already got all of my paperwork straighten out, booked the plane tickets, and had an appointment with the visa people in China. Then my dad called and I listened to him. He told me to wait, wait until I get my green card. It is a big mistake. The longer I waited, the higher the stake becomes. Now I am way too close to get the green card and have waited for way too long and have too much to lose. I can't quit now. It is right in front of my eyes. But I don't want to keep running after it and keep allowing it to affect my life.

I am in this mess right now because I listened to my dad instead following through my own decision. It seems like that I usually end up in a mess on the rare occasions when I actually decide to be open-minded and listen to other people's advices.

Quick note to self: continue being stubborn and don't listen to anyone.

I don't blame my dad. He is the kind of person that weights all kinds of possible outcomes before making a decision. He is only looking out for me. He doesn't play chess. But I think he will be good at it if he does. On a second thought, I doubt it he will ever make a move. It will take him way too long.

Let me end this post on a positive note. No matter what happens, I will try not to that person riding on a merry go round thinking I am going places when in fact, I am only going around and around in a circle. I am going back to China no matter what is what I am trying to say.

4:47pm, Saturday afternoon. I am listening to Loquat's version of "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" and her very original Swingset Chain and Slow, Fast, Wait and See. Her voice makes me want to go to the store right now and buy the entire album.

Taste My Blood

2005-06-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

"Are you sure?" He lowered his head. His eyes wondered on my face.
"Yeah..." I looked up at him, my eyes searching eagerly to meet his eyes.
"Hmm?" He raised his left eyebrow and asked again.
I knew my voice sounded a little shaky earlier. I bit into my lower lip and pretended to think.
After I had quietly counted from 1 to 8, I answered "Yes, I am sure."
I hesitated for a second then continued, "I want the freedom. I want the freedom to read whatever I want to read, travel to wherever I want to travel. And live however long I want to live. I can have a different lifestyle every 30 years." I got carried away with my thoughts and kept on talking" I can live in a city for 30 years, then in the mountains for another 30, then in the desert, or on an island... I want immortality."
I was disappointed when I looked at him because I couldn't tell if he was listening. If he did, he showed no evidence. He looked as distance and otherworldly as ever.

I felt anger creeping up and overtaking me. I was ready to scream at him then storm out. I already figured out the details in my head, how I would stomp my foot, then scream,” forget it". And how I would run really fast to the door. How he would grab my arms right before I got too far away from him and how he would show me his teeth glaring in the dark, and how I would feel the piercing pain on my neck shortly after.....

Maybe I did screamed. I couldn't remember. But I didn't run. I managed to calm myself down. I swallowed my disappointments and continued, “I have thought it through. I am ready. I.........." I broke into tears. It then turned into uncontrollable sobering. I felt exhausted. Can one feel exhausted in a dream?
He finally approached me. I saw him from the corner of my eyes. He reached for me. All the sadness and distress disappeared at the same instance his hands touched my arms. I felt relieved. My confidences slowly came back to me. I took a deep breath, then I tilted my head and pulled all of my hair to the right exposing my neck, offering it.
he tightened this grips. At the same time, I felt his teeth on my neck. Overwhelmed by the pain, I involuntarily pulled back. He tightened his grips even more, forcing cry after cry out of me. My body continued to grow colder and colder. I know I was on the edge of death, and was closer to immortality than ever.

That's when I woke up, panting.

Hey Mom

2005-06-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

Today is June 9th in China. No, I havent' forgotten.
Happy Birthday, Mom!

Too bad you are on a business trip so far away from home.
I bet no one on the trip knows today is your birthday, either.
What I won't tell you is that I cried a little this morning after I woke up, coz I knew you were alone on the day of your birthday and I really missed you.

Mom, Will you find time to eat a bowl of long-life-noodles today? I want you to live til 100, 150, 200...
If I ever become a vampire. I will make you immortal also.

Sincerely,
Your Favorite Daughter

明月几时有？把酒问清天。不知天上宫阙，今夕是何年。我欲乘风归去。惟恐琼楼玉宇，高处不胜寒，起舞弄清影，何似在人间。

转朱阁，低绮户，照无眠。不应有恨，何事长向别时圆？人有悲欢离合，月有阴晴圆缺，此事古难全。但愿人长久，千里共婵娟。

"Stay where you are! and hand me the camera."

2005-06-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

after we both got out of the car. I bent down to put on socks and change into walking shoes. when I looked up, this was what i saw:

Clouds2
Originally uploaded by Yilei.

aren't the clouds cooperative?

He once called a draw at a chess game to rescue my hurt ego.

2005-06-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

It is only 5 o'clock but I have been dying to go home for the past 30 minutes.
(my official release time is 7pm.)
it has been gloomy all day today. I just came back from a five day trip in the redwoods. I am going through vacation rehab right now. this weather is not helping! it is the kinda weather that seems like it is gonna rain at any time but it never did rain. it is the same feeling you have the couple days before your period. you know it may come at any time but you don't know exactly when so you go through all the trouble to avoid swimming, light colorerd pants, skirts only to find out at the end of the day that today is not the day.

Today my normal lunch group ditched me. They disappeared right after the employee meeting that went 30 minutes over time. I ended up going home to eat alone. after stuffing myself with a gigantic beef sandwich, my legs automatically dragged me to the couch. gosh i never realized how comfy the couch is. it wraped around me like a generous lover. Massaging muscles on my back, neck and legs as I rotated softly. after 10 minutes of doing nothing but staring blankly at the window and appreciating the couch beneath me, I became aware of a hard object pressing into my arm. it turned out to be a corner of a hard cover book buried in the cushions. and a piece of paper fell right out of it and onto my face as i opened it. and this tiny piece of paper is filled lines of disjointed sentences in my horrible handwriting:

"one more day and i will set out to big basin for my camping trip. Well, it is not really camping coz we are staying in a cabin. but still i am excited. not because wow, no more work for 5 days or wow, finally get to get out of the city and become one with nature. i am excited coz i get to go with this boy. the boy that may be the sweetest guy to ever drive a blue truck. "

Things I need to remember from this weekend if we ever have a fight.

2005-05-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

I need to remember:
1. that you patted on my head and said, "it is not a fairy tale you know." when I cried into the bend of your neck after watching The Butterfly Effect.
2. that you pulled my legs over your lap to let me stretch out on my tiny couch when we were watching a movie
3. that at a BBQ place, you picked the burned meat first and told me to start with the good ones.
4. that you dug around in a bowl of over washed raspberries and send it to my mouth when you found a unbroken one.
5. that when I was a little embarrassed about the fact that I attempted to drive off in my car without starting the engine and said, " It's your fault coz you distracted me!", you drew closer to me and kissed me softly on my lips.

and I need to remember that once again, you waited for me to hung up the phone first because the sound of "click" is just a little too upsetting.

Upcoming list...... "Things I would like you to do".
Only the PG-13 version will be published here . I will keep the Rated R version to myself because I know how much people hate over sharing.

A Long Sentence.

2005-05-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

The TV screen that shows breaking news, sitcoms, and Hollywood gossip in an early evening in contrast to the lights and the last of the sunset outside of the wall-sized window makes me feel incredibly sad.

That Nasty Fever I had Last Week

2005-05-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

I had a really bad fever last week.

There is no way to know how high my temperature was coz I was too weak to get out of bed and look for the measuring thingy. It was probably way up there, 110 or something like that. If I looked at myself in the mirror, I probably would see my face burning in red, my hair wild, my eyes sparkling in anguish.

The fever started around 5pm. Around 4am in the morning, I feel the heat start to pull away from me. But at the same time, it clung to my body, not wanting to leave. Turning and turning I was on my bed. Occasionally, a groan would escape from me. I felt like I was dying and coming back to life at the same thing, like a vampire rising for the first time from the mortal death.

I turned and stared at the half glass of orange juice on the night stand. But I can not collect enough strength to grab it. Two hours later, the half glass of orange juice was still on my night stand, untouched. But the fever has left me completely. If the sheets under me didn't feel moist and a little cold, I would have thought I had only a nightmare.
I fell asleep while the sun was rising.

Do you miss your parents?

2005-05-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

Why do people ask pointless questions like, "so do you miss your parents?" after i told them i haven't seen my parents for three years because of my visa issue.

I usually give them the answer they do not expect, "No..... not really." just to trip them over.

Of course I miss my parents. I miss them everyday of my life.

"As long as you like him,

2005-04-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

I will like him, too."

My dad once stopped talking to me for 6 month because he didn't like the boy I liked.
If he picked up the phone when I called, he would tell me to hold on and hand it to my mom right away.
This was years ago. I am still a little hurt now whenever I think about it. I am his only daughter after all. and it is not like I was marrying that boy.

My mom didn't like my boyfriend either. Everytime I called her, she would try to convince me to leave him and find someone "normal". and she would went on and explain why the boy I liked at that time was not "normal".

My grandfather like to make this list of qualities he would like to have in my future boyfriend. I never finish listening to his list or reading it if he emails me. He totally forgot that this was my life.

Years have gone by. I start to realize that I will not find someone that's acceptable for my family. They have a totally different idea of what "a normal person" is than me.
I can't change them nor can they change me.

My grandma never said anything about what kinda boy she likes. One time, I called and she was the only one home. I for the first time in a long time get to have a peaceful conversation with her without having other people interrupting her from other lines. (She can't hear very well so my mom or grandfaterh likes to speak for her.)
That's when I asked her what kind of boy she would like to have as my boyfriend.
That's when she said, "As long as you like him, I will like him, too."
"Really?" It almost brought me to tears.
"Even though he has long hair, or is in a band instead of having a real job or is a foreigner or is way older than me?"

"Yeah. As long as you like him."

Silence on my end of the line because if I talk, she will hear my voice breaking up.

Shall I Feel Sorry For Her?

2005-04-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

First of all, men are pigs.
I am sorry, let me rephrase it. Most men are pigs. OK, this sounds a lot more rational now.

There is this cute girl at my friend's work. What she does is, may I say, quite simple and brainless. All that is required is to be able to read and write.
But she somehow managed to mess it up. My friend was quite upset at her because she made what was supposed to be extremely sensitive and confidential public.
But this male co-worker went around the office and told people that this girl was having a bad day because today was her, I don't know, 29th, or 28th birthday. But her husband isn't doing anything for her so she is feeling "down".

Hearing this made my friend turn from upset to quite furious at this girl and... at men.

First of all, We should all try not to let our personal lives affect our professional lives. Everyone goes through rough times. Take a day off if you are not in the condition to perform your job functions.
Having a bad day does not justify the critial error she made which directly affected her colleagues's, my friend's, work and reputation.

Secondly, it is extremely unprofessional of her and this male worker to talk about her personal life at work, not to mention using it as an excuse to slack off and make people feel sympathetic towards her when she made mistakes.

Lastly, imagine if she was a guy. Hehe~~ Imagine my friend telling a male coworker that "oh this poor guy screwed up badly because he is having a bad day. Today is his 29th birthday and his wife is not doing anything for him. That's why he is feeling sad and that's why he accidentally put your credit card number and your social security number on the Internet. But please do find it in your heart to forgive him because he IS having a .. bad.. day...after all." Imagine that!
Hehe~Talking about double standards!

The worst part is this whole thing almost made my friend look like a bad person for criticizing the "poor" birthday girl.

Oh by the way, there is no "my friend". It is all me. I am the insensitive girl in this story. and just FYI, I don't fucking care if today is her fucking birthday nor do I care if her husband is not doing anything for her. This is her 29th or something like it birthday after all. Do fucking grow up.

Did I mention, most men are pigs?

Don't You Cry Baby

2005-04-05T14:11:00.000-07:00

Talk to me softly
There is something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been there before
Somethin is changin' inside you
And don't you know

Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

Give me a whisper
And give me a sign
Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye

Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you
And the times we had...baby

You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby

And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight

I was overwhelmed with sadness when I heard that Jack was going back to China in two weeks, for good.

It didn't feel real until I talked to him over the phone, until he told me he already quit his job, until he told me about his plans for his company in China, until he told me he already found an apartment close to the factory and he was ready to work six days a week.

that's when I realize that we are going to lead very different lives from now on. Our path cross briefly in our journeys. Now it is time to say "good bye".

Some of my friends like to talk about how they probably will go back to China or wherever they came from eventually. But Jack, as far as I know, was thinking about buying a house, moving his parents here, and settling down in US. That's why it broke my heart to hear that he is leaving us in two weeks.

After I hang up the phone last night, I sat on my bed and cried. I am going to miss him so much. With him gone, who is gonna help me with my swimming techniques, who is gonna stay behind with me when we all go kayaking and I fall behind, who is gonna be my translator when everyone is cracking jokes in Cantonese.

I grabbed a new box of tissues and cried more. I had such a wonderful weekend. I danced with the boy I liked. I felt his arm around my wrist, his freshly shaved face against mine, his breath on my neck. I was all exceptionally happy and jolly for a Monday, then I heard the news about Jack. I was not prepared for it. Right after graduating from college, some of my friends went back to their own country, some of them went to other cities for work. I didn't shed a tear because i knew this was what supposed to happen when a chapter of life closed and a new one started. But I did not except that I would lose a good friend on a sunny afternoon in April. No, I was not prepare for it.

When I came to work this morning, a coworker asked me why my eyes were all red and puffy. He send me Guns n' Roses's "Don't Cry" after we finished our coversation. He is the kinda person that will always find the right song for the occasion. Part of the reason I felt so sad about Jack leaving is that I felt I wasn't as a good friend to him as he was to me. and now I won't have a chance to make it up to him. I played this song all day. I have to remind myself to be good to all these wonderful friends I have,including this coworker who knows exactly which song to give me when I am down, and never take any one of them for granted anymore.

"and I don't want to be your regret, id rather be your cocoon"

2005-03-29T22:11:00.000-08:00

1. I drink a small cup of hot coco with milk every night before I go to sleep. The smell of the hot coco calms me down, reminds me of home, puts me to sleep and makes me dream sweet dreams.

2. I am listening to this song and writing this blog to keep my mind off you. "and I don't want to be your regret, id rather be your cocoon, but this is all that you have, so please, let me take what's left of your heart, and I will use, I swear ill use only what I need, I know you only have so little, so please, let me mend my broken heart, and you said this was all you have and its all i need but blah blah...."

3. My car ran out of gas this morning on my way to work. Good thing is it stopped while I was going up hill on a small street so there are no cars behind me. A good friend from work came over with three gallons of gas and rescued me. By the time I got to work, everyone asked me the same question, "How could you run out of gas? Don't you have the little light on?"
I am so not gonna answer this question again here!

4. I think it is unfair that you came into my life, caught my attention, and captured my heart and there was nothing I could do to stop you.

5. I am half way through this book that I bought in Portland. I am absolutely in love with it. It is so rare to find a book that is both inspiring and beautifully written. The author is a master of metaphor. I always find myself copying down sentences, sometimes entire paragraphs. I almost don't want to read it too fast so it won't end so soon. A one liner description of this book is:"What Catcher in the Rye did for youths...Anthropology does for women."

To Be Optimistic Or Not?

2005-03-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

"Jeff and i had felt more than promising, but the vapor evaporated like water in a vase that kept the flowers blooming, but never was refilled.

I remember the feelings with joy and not pain, because I enjoy remembering. it is winter. spring is coming, and soon it will be summer.

i can already feel the warmth penetrate through me. I can taste the texture of the passion that awaits. I am here, I am ready and it is coming."

This is an ending of a book about the dating experiences of a 45 years old woman, a book full of bad dates, that is.
My friend raised his head after reading two magazines and caught me reading the last few pages of the book.
"why did you jump to the end?" he asked with a smirk,” does it have a happy ending?"

"No. she is dumped by a guy who she had dated for 6 month the day before New Year’s Eve. But she seems optimistic...." before my voice trailed off, the person that asked the question was deep in his own reading again, leaving me staring blankly into the wall.

"Optimistic," I thought to myself, "Is it foolish to be optimistic?"

My roommate once asked me,” what do you do to help yourself through the day? Do you drink coffee? tea? Eat snacks?"
"No." I said, "I just drink lots of water."

I want to feel real emotions. A cup of coffee may make me feel better when I am tired, sleepy, or bored in the afternoon. But the truth is that it is not coffee I need. What I need is to exercise more, sleep longer, eat healthier or challenge myself more at work. So I try to stay away from that cup of coffee to focus on the real problems.

Therefore, I am especially skeptical when it comes to optimism.
How do I know life is always improving?
How do I know optimism is not the cup of coffee that only help us get through life, but doesn't change any cold hard facts in our lives.
How do I know it is not an illusion I create for myself when the real problem is in me.
Even worse, being optimistic keeps our hopes up, expectations high. But when things don't work out, we are left feeling more disappointed than ever.

So instead of being optimistic about life, maybe we should accept life as it is: not everyone can lead a fulfilling and meaningful life; not everyone can find the right person. True, some people have found their soul mates, but it may not happen to all of us.

Telling people to be optimistic is as irresponsible as telling kids that life is fair when it really is not. So let's be strong and accept the fact that it is possible that we might fail in the end no matter how hard we have tried. It is possible and we've gotta be ready for that.

2005-03-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

昨天我拿起电话问你, “我可不可以在塞车的时候挂电话给你?”

你诧异的问,”你是怎么了?从来你都是要挂便挂的. 不管多早或者多晚.怎么今天突然需要我的许可了.”

我说"我变得有点多愁善感把?"

你说, “什么?”

我心想, 多愁善感这个词你不懂? 那末欲将心事付瑶琴, 知音少,断弦有谁听这几句你更不会懂了.

晚上洗脸的时候, 看着水从手指间滑过，又想到了那句, 断弦有谁听… 突然好想回家去. 停了洗脸的手, 看着镜子,定了定神, 又对自己说了一次,恩,真的好想回家.

“想回家”这几个字, 平时连对自己也不敢出声讲. 最多在心里一闪. 就匆忙转去想别的事.
今天对着镜子，盯着自己的眼睛，说出这几个字。自己也怔住了。

Today Is International Women's Day

2005-03-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

Yay~~ go us!!

Oreos...Milk's Favorite Cookie

2005-02-28T21:15:00.000-08:00

Today, I decided to be a bad girl.
So I skipped Yoga class and went to the super market and bought a bag of OREO cookies and hot coco mix with mashmallow.

I blame it on the little boy in the TV commercial. The one in which the cute little boy dips an Oreo into a tall glass of milk, looks into the camera and says, " Have you notice how an Oreo tends to make milk disappear."

Everytime I see this commercial on TV, I feel compelled to put my fingers on these Oreos!

My Period Came

2005-02-21T21:16:00.000-08:00

My period finally came.. Yay!
It is 2 weeks late.
I rang up my doctor last Friday," My period hasn't come this month. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. The last time this happened was when I moved here from China in March and I had to adjust to the warm weather and stuff like that."
Doctor, "Do you want to come to my office? We can do a quick pregnancy test."
Me," pregnancy test? I don't think I am pregnant though."
Doctor," Are you sure?"
Me,"Can you get pregnant from a public swimming pool?"
"No." he chuckled. (Doctors are not suppose to chuckle! and I was not trying to be funny.) "It could be stress from work."
Me, "Stress? I have no stress. Work has been slow lately."
Doctor,"People get stressed out from sudden decline of workload."
Me, "No kidding?!"
Doctor,"Yes. People get stressed out from boredom. You can come in for a quick check up if you want to. Otherwise, just try to relax. Don't stay up too late and drink lots of water."

After I hang up the phone, I made a note to remind myself to buy scented candles after work.
(You know, the ones that says "Calm" or something like it on the label.)
While I was lightening up candles later that night, I couldn't help thinking how sweet it would be if there was a boy I liked and he was here right then. A boy can help me relax much better than scented candles.
The thought of that and the possibility of never finding "the boy" got me all worked up again. I start to picture myself dying a lonly death. And no one found out about my dead body until couple weeks later. and when they did find it, no one could identify it...etc.. I grew more and more anxious as my imagination went wild. In the end, I didn't become as relaxed as I was supposed to be. But for some reason, my period decided to come,eventually, which is good, I mean, very good. so I am all jolly and happy now.......... Yay!

I Am Such A Push Over!

2005-02-20T23:52:00.000-08:00

I agreed on a quick take out at Quizno's coz I was tired from working all day. but it somehow turned out to be a dinner at El Pollo Inka with live(LOUD!) music and a 15 minutes wait before we got our table.
I was gonna have a movie night at the comfort of my home and maybe go to bed early. But I found myself driving TO home in the middle of the rain at 1:30 in the morning after seeing at least three yellow flood warning signs within 5 miles.
I am such a push over. Neither of these would have happened if I am a little better at saying NO. My ex boyfriend is an expert at saying NO. Why didn't I learn anything from him? I wonder...

I am not picking on my ex boyfriend! It is a compliement. and so what if I picked on them. That's the only thing they are good for. To be picked on.

A Flashback I had This Morning.

2005-02-19T12:25:00.000-08:00

Before he got into the car, he stopped to looked at me, smiling mildly.
I hesitated to stop, a little embarrassed.
He motioned to speak leaning forward ever so slightly.
Me. Waiting.
His face darkened by the shadow of the bright headlights.
He spoke nothing.
His eyes linger on my face, soften me.
I tried to make out the time. But he seemed timeless.
Then he turned and went into the car.

The next time I see him. He is a different man.

A Quarter of My Wisdom....Gone

2005-02-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

Yep!! I had one of my wisdom teeth pulled this past Monday.
Afterwards, the doctor showed me the tooth and asked me,

"Do you want to keep it? I can wrap it up for you."
"No." I turned my face in disguise, "Please, take it away from me."

Later that day, I asked my housemate, "Who wants to keep their dead teeth around?"
He responded, "I did! I kept all four of my wisdom teeth after I had them pulled. Only I can't find them now. But......" He added with a big grin, " I know for sure they are somewhere in my room."

Yikes!!! Can't believe I am sharing a house with a teeth keeper~~ yikes yikes...

Listening.......

2005-02-16T10:40:00.000-08:00

Lebanese Blonde by Thievery Corporation...

Too low to find my way
Too high to wonder why
I've touched this place before
Somewhere in another time
Now I can hear the sun
The clouds drifting through the blinds
A half a million thoughts
Are flowing through my mind.

Garden State

2005-02-11T14:06:00.000-08:00

I like Zach's comments about home.
He said something like you reach to a certain age and you realize that the idea of home is gone. There is this place where you put all of your stuff in. But it is not really your home. It's like you miss this place that doesn't exist anymore. You can no longer call your parents' place your home. Until one day, you start your own family, then this new family become your home.

I like this comment because although I have realize the same thing myself, I think many people have, but I don't hear people say it out loud very often. This is for the first time, I think, I hear someone say it in a very honest, genuine, non sarcastic way.

I did miss home a lot when I first came here. I went to sleep cry almost every night during the first week. But it eventually hit me that home is forever behind me or even better, the idea of my home went *puff* into the air.... That's when I don't feel homesick anymore. That's when I really start to enjoy my life here without that funny feeling in my heart. the feeling that there is a string attached to my heart and someone pull it ever so slightly now and then is gone. To realize that I am completely on my own and there is no home to fall back on is scary but liberating.

Another thing I like about this movie is the idea of being totally original and unique. I truly believe everyone is very very unique deep inside. But we don't let it out very often. We are so afraid to be the odd ones. I don't need to be unique. I just want to be my original self. But it is so hard to shake off all of the pretentious crap off me.

Then there is this lying part about Sam, the girl character in the movie. I lie about unimportant facts in my life as well. I don't know why. I just like to alter things here and there, all totally harmless, when I answer people questions. I guess I do it so one will never know who I really am. That's how I protect myself I guess. And to confess is my way of accepting this person in my life.

and I also like the simplicity of the colors in this movie. It helps me focus on the personality of the characters, understand the messages, and capture the soul of the movie.

There is nothing in this movie that makes me go, "wow~~ I have never heard that before!"
I didn't see anything totally mindblowingly new.
This movie is more like an echo in the valley. I thought of these things in my mind, but this is the first time to hear these thoughts being played back to me.
This movie is just very very real. That's all I have to say. After watching the movie, I felt like I've spent the entire Friday morning talking to an old friend.

And may you never love in vain

2005-02-08T15:56:00.000-08:00

and in my heart you will remain
Forever Young, Forever Young

And may sunshine and happiness
surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young

Got this song in the email for Chinese New Year.
This is just plain SWEET.
Nothing could be more appropriate than this song on this day of the year....

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
with a prince or a vagabond

And when you finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young ,Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
For, Forever Young, Forever Young

I wish all of my friends and all the random readers that come across this blog
a very happy New Year.

No matter where you are in the world,
or how difficult life seems to be at this moment(yes, I am talking about you and you, too),
I hope you will always find confidence in yourself and never give up on your dreams.

You will be forever young and strong and full of hopes in my heart~

Love you all!!

MJ

Check out what my mom got me for Chinese New Year!

2005-02-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

Last night, I called to say Happy Chinese New Year to the whole family.
Then I asked my mom, "so, where is my red envelop?"
"Don't worry!!" she said, sounding all cheerful, "It is already in your email! I gave you a big one this year!"

so I checked my email and this is what she got me:

CNY
Is she cute or what?

Not My Normal Saturday Routine

2005-02-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

Because today is a very productive day.

I got up around 10am, which is considered very early for a weekend. After dumping two weeks of dirty laundry to the washer, around 11am, I set off to buy breakfast. Bought smoothie, bread, pesto spread, cereal, milk, orange juice, spinach pasta, pasta sauce, fish fillets, tomatoes and apples. It's a week's supply of fruits and breakfast. After loading the groceries to the car, a lovely lady volunteered to take my cart and return it for me. And she even gave me a smile and told me very sincerely to have a nice day.. I was a little overwhelmed.... Maybe it is the super bowl weekend spirit.. Who knows....hehe...

I came back around 12. Just in time to move my cloth from the washer to the dryer. I can't make up my mind on what to eat for breakfast so I ate a little bit of everything. The pesto sauce is really yummy. BUt! What's yummier is Ethan Hawk on Gattaca. Yeah, Gattaca was shown again on TV. This is the third or forth time I watched this movie. I can't get enough of it.

At 2:15, I met up with a friend to go shopping at Ikea. I bought shelves for T shirts and sweaters, and hangers for shoes. My closet will finally be organized. :D I also bought dry flowers for the bathroom. They are in pale yellow and white. I made sure it is not too flowery or colorful for my male housemate that shares a bathroom with me.

Around 5pm, we went to long beach to pick up my book. I am so dumb. I accidentally sent my order to my previous address. (Amazon doesn't allow me to delete old shipping addresses.) I had to write the current residence a letter to explain the situation. Luckily, the current residence is a very nice gal so we arranged a pick up on Saturday.

Today is the opening of a friend's friend's gallery. My friend's work is showing at this gallery in Long Beach. We decided to come and check it out. We arrived around 6pm. It's one thing to take pictures with your Nikon camera, it is another thing to see it hanging on the wall of a gallery with a price tag. My friend's photos are at the center of the gallery. A copy of her photograph called flight attendances was already sold. "400 bucks," She kept whispering to me. "I can not believe someone paid 400 bucks for my photograph! That's insane!"

This gallery exhibits photographs from seven artists. Most of them are part time photographers. I really liked photos by this guy called Tod. His photograph turned the old abandoned door frames into something truly beautiful. His colored photos have an earth tone that makes me feel calm and grounded. He gave me the same feeling in person, too.

The only professional photographer in this exhibition is Yoshi Hashimoto. He is the photographer that documented the final days of the Lexington Hotel, where Al Capone used to live. He was given exclusive photographic access to the interior of the building and continued shooting until the day before the demolition began.

He made the photographs of the Lexington Hotel into a photo album. While I was sitting down and going through the photo album, he introduced himself and started to explain the stories behind each photo and pointed out details that were otherwise easily overlooked. These photos were taken in 1995, close to ten years ago. He still seemed to be able to recall lots of details about the event. and he handled the photo album with great passion.

I'd like to stay longer but I was hungry and tired. We left around 8pm. we drove back to Torrance and went to a Raman place. We each had a bowl of Raman. Yummy.......I finished mine very quickly and sat and listened to my friend bitch about work.... Venting puts her into a good mood as food does for me.

got home around......Don't know.... 10 or 11pm. After I carried all the bags from Ikea up a hundred stairs and into my apartment, I found....This is the best part of the day, a pot of burning red tulips sitting outside of my bedroom door, a welcom gift from my roommates. And there is a card. yeah, I am gonna go read it now. nighty night~~~

客愁

2005-02-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

移舟泊烟渚，
日暮客愁新。
野旷天低树,
江清月近人。

今日, 无端想起了这几句诗. 古人作诗, 说是无端,便是有端. 会去想到野旷天低树, 江清月近人这样的玲珑景致,也是因为近日有的人要来,有的人要走. 几个星期没联系的人,一通电话,发现对方竟然已经在了西雅图. 说是刚刚开始新的工作. 惊愕之下,竟然忘了问人家是在何处高就. 若得别人笑我糊涂.
那个本来以为再也回不来的人, 居然没几个星期就要来了. 从别处辗转听到这个消息,一时之下, 也不知道该作何感想. 倒真是应了世事难料四个字.
说到底我们都是客居, 要来要走, 也只能随它去了. 近来常读山水一派的诗, 那种淡喜淡悲淡出淡入的生活态度渐渐深得我心.

2005-02-01T18:21:00.000-08:00

I feel like my life is slowly draining away living in monterey park during the past 12 month. I managed an escape last weekend before I am reduced to a lifeless shell.

i like chinese people. i like spending time with them, amongst them. but living in monterey park didn't work for me.

there is a huge language barrier. most people in monterey park speak cantonese, in resturants, supermarkets, bookstores...EVERYWHERE.
my cantonese gets me as far as Hello and thank you. (and they have two different ways to say thank you. i was never able to tell the differences.)

i feel illiterated, and very foreign in monterey park.

Second Morning at Redondo

2005-02-01T16:33:00.000-08:00

8:15am. i forgot to close the window last night. the wind blows a little chilly in my bedroom.

8:16am. still hiding under the comforter and blankets. eyes fixed on the alarm clock while trying to use my mental power to stop the needles from moving.....so fast.

8:30am. finally get out of bed, push open my bedroom door and into the living room. both of my roommates are gone for work. bright sun lights quietly shine through the wall sized window and flourish the living room floor. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over. I have to take a step back and spend a moment to take all of this in. I am not exaggerating if I say i feel exhilarate and vibrant standing in my pajamas in this living room.....of this new apartment, new city.....with this new life....
Changes did me good!!

on the way to work, i find myself singing along to "Phantom of the opera"

Think of me,
think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye.

Remember me
once in a while
please promise me you'll try.
When you find that, once again,
you long to take your heart back and be free.......

We never said our love was evergreen
Or as unchanging as the sea
But if you can still remember
Stop and think of me

Procrastination is Killing Me

2005-01-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

I only have 24 hours to go before the moving truck comes over to pick up the boxes and move them to Redondo Beach. So far, I have packed NOthing.

My original plan was to pack a little bit everyday throughout the whole week so by Friday I will, at least, finish packing all of my books and cloths.
But it didn't happen!
Monday, don't remember what I did.
Tuesday, went to yoga class. By the time I got home my whole body was so sore I couldn't do anything except to lay flat on my back and read magazines.
Wensday, did that big dinner. Got home really late. After showering, it is almost time to go to bed.
Thursday, decided that I will take Friday off to pack. so why do anything today when i have whole day tomorrow? may as well relax a little bit before the big weekend.
Friday, got up around 11am. ate a bowl of cereal. surfed online for about a hour. blogged for half hour. now it is 1:35pm. I only have 11 and half hours left. besides, I need to somehow find time to sleep and eat and shower between now and tomorrow afternoon.

what am i gonne do? so much work so little time!!!

Procrastination is killing me. Why am i so lazy? Is laziness in the genes? I bet it is. maybe I should research it online. but on a second thought, maybe I should starting packing so I can first move my lazy ass to redondo beach. the research can wait, but the roaring moving truck can't.

Add Oil

2005-01-23T17:30:00.000-08:00

This post is dedicated to QQ.
QQ has been working very hard on her master thesis.
Let's hope she can finish it on time! and get a big A for it. (We won't ask for an A+ coz we are careful not to push it. Although I am not sure if they give you As and Bs in England.)

Add oil, QQ

God Loves Me

2005-01-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

I think God loves me despite the fact that I am not Christian. I think that's what makes God so special. He loves people that don't even believe in him.

Last Tuesday, fate sent me a very cold blow. When I felt like I was at the rock bottom, I receive the most recent issue of Time in my mail box. This issue is a special edition of science and health. It is report on a recent study about "How to be Happy." It has tons of happy faces on its cover. The report covers an in depth study on the science of happiness. What triggers it, how to maintain a state of happiness. The gene factors that determine if a person is happy or not before he/she is born...etc.... and humans ability to bounce back from tragedy or good fortune.

After reading it, the blow doesn't hurt as much it was in the morning. I made peace with the injustice in my life. so I thought to myself, "God loves me. I think he really does. He knows exactly what I need at the moment so he send this magazine to me. He is teaching me to be happy."

"I am old, you are still young........"

2005-01-19T23:55:00.000-08:00

There is no doubt that X XX is a hardcore communist. Over the years, he has also become a symbol of an open, democracrtic China.

X XX, many people remember him by his last words said to the students on a hunger strike at Tiananmen square prior to his house arrest: 我老了，你们还年轻，来日方长。。。。（"I am old, you are still young and must treasure your own lives."）

That's the last time he was seen on TV. 15 years has passed, X XX is a name that is never forgotten by people of China. At a critical moment of Chinese history, he stood by the students.

X XX didn't live to see justice. After his death, people in China can not publicly express their grieves. There is no announcement on national TV or radios. Only a few lines on newspapers can be found that says "Comrade X XX has passed away due to such and such illness." Optimists say his death finally set him FREE. But I only saw one unlawful arrest followed by a lonly death.

How many more of unlawful arrests do we have to endure before the establishment of rule of law in China?
Mourning for the quiet passing of X XX.

Never Ever

2005-01-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

I remembered the first email I received from you three months ago.

You told me you had arrived safely and you wrote about your encounter with an "unfriendly" German on the train to Stuttgart.

It's a sunny Wednesday afternoon and I was sick at home. Your email was so funny it made me laugh hysterically. Maybe I should be run over by a truck later that day, so your email would be the last thing I remembered.

Today I feel liberated after sending my last email to you. All the confusion, distress and sadness were gone after I clicked on "send" button. The memories of you will be folded and put away in a suitcase under my bed. I will pull it out to revisit every so often. But like flower buds painted on glasses, these memories will never change, never grow, and most unfortunately never ever come to a blossom.

What Went Wrong

2005-01-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

Mom said she searched for answers but she still doesn't know what went wrong. It just happened.
But why us? I don't know.
But I can live with it. I can live with anything. Memories is the root of pain. All I need to do is to forget, to block out these unpleasent memories from time to time.
But it breaks my heart to see mom trying so hard to find reasons in all this, to figure out what went wrong.
Maybe it is fate, mom. If believing in fate makes it easier for you. All the people that lost their families in the Tsunami. Why them? Fate is our only answer here. No wonder so many people believe in fate coz sometimes if they don't, they can not carry on with their lives.

mom told me over the phone that she sent me an email. I opened it. After realizing what it is about, the rest didn't come as a surprise to me. but i still can not control my tears. I wanna say something, but the only sound i made was the closing of my bedroom door.
"It is OK. " instead of speaking to the phone, mom sent me instant messages, "Life goes on." I tried to say something but stopped coz i can't be sure what my voice will sound like. and I know exactly why mom sent me messages instead of talking to the phone coz just like me, she is also choking on tears.

I just said I could live with anything. but i can't help wondering if other people's lives are easier than ours, me and my parents'.
Can I erase all of my memories and start this life over again? at 25? It is not too late, is it?

燕雀豈知鴻鵠之志

2005-01-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

昨晚在電視里看了魯豫有約. 講的是一個湖北的自行車厂的什么經理, 花了十三年時間, 手工打造了一個水陸兩用車.

這車啊, 外形很象早年的Lamborghini. 漆成很炫的黃色. 整個車沒有把手. 兩邊車窗是向上打開. 然后就伸手到車里拉開車門. 由水到陸地的交接自然. 車有自動感應器, 水位達到一定深度之后, 車的螺旋漿就會自動伸出來, 高速旋轉, 可以讓車在水里快速靈敏的前進.

很多人想到早年007的電影里那部車了把. 雖然本車由外觀到功能都似曾相識, 可是最為難得的是, 這車由內到外,全部手工制作. 這位王先生, 花了十三年的時候, 畫了几百張圖紙, 忍受無數親戚朋友的譏笑白眼和質疑, 一錘一錘的打造出這部車.

王先生的車對中國制車的貢獻是無法估量的. 不僅僅是車本身技術上的突破. 王先生更讓中國人相信. 我們中國人也有能力設計制造出自己的汽車. 汽車業是一個國家經濟的中流砥柱. 而中國汽車制造業前景堪憂. 外邦爭先恐后的搶灘. 給國內汽車制造業造成很大的競爭壓力. 王先生的汽車, 能不能進入市場進行投產在次, 更加重要的是讓曾經怀疑過自己能力的國人又有了信心. 不管別人是怎樣認為, 這部由湖北小鎮里落后的工具打造出來的汽車, 証明了我國汽車制造業的潛力不容低估.

可是在制車過程中, 王先生得到很少的理解和支持. 甚至有人認為他是個异想天開的瘋子. 第一次下水試車的時候, 大家都捂上眼睛不敢去看. 沒人相信這車真的能在水里浮起來.魯豫問他, 這許多年來, 是如何面諸多嘲諷和不理解. 他說, 燕雀豈知鴻鵠之志. 台上台下的人听了都默默點頭.

王先生的衣著落后20年, 他打造本車所用的工具, 落后不知道多少年. 他說他十三年來, 為了實現他的夢想, 除了吃飯喝水之外一切開銷全部花在這部車上. 每天工作十多個小時(具体十几個我忘記了.) 終于實現了他的夢想. 他感慨的說, "這車就是我的青春."

我們都曾有過夢想, 而現實的壓力, 讓我們感到夢想是那么難以企及. 所以沒有盡力就放棄, 王先生的經歷, 讓很多人又從新找到了勇气, 去為夢想而努力.
燕雀豈知鴻鵠之志. 少些在意別人的看法, 多些追求勇气. 就當成我2005的新年愿望把.

The Sorrow

2004-12-29T22:58:00.000-08:00

I don't think we ever get over the pain of losing loved ones.
Three years has gone by since my uncle passed away. The pain still comes back now and then to bite me.

i grew up with my grandparents'. my parents visited me twice a year. My memories of them had slowly faded into two tall figures in long wind coats. My younger aunt was living with my grandparents at that time and uncle Guo was her boy friend. Uncle Guo popped by our house almost everyday after work. He played with me in the backyard, took me to rides in amusement parks. sometimes, he showed up with his camera and took me to parks to take pictures of me for my parents. if it rained, he let me ride around on my little bike in the house.
3 to 5 was such a bonding period for a child. even though i moved back with my parents after i started elementary school, uncle Guo was always like a father to me.

5 years ago, shortly after i left China, they found out that he had liver problems. he said he would stop working so hard and he would quit drinking and smoking, etc... and for a while, he was getting better.
but one Saturday morning 3 years ago, my dad called. after a brief chat, he paused briefly, then said "uncle Gou passed away......six month ago."

Until now, i am still mad at them for not letting me know serious the "liver problem" had become, for having waited 6 month to tell me that he was not in this world anymore. (if it was up to my mom, she would have kept me in a the dark even longer.) Sure, i heard about Uncle Guo going in and out of hospitals. but it never cross my mind that it will take his life away. he was too young, just passed 40. it doesn't make sense. But of course, death never make sense. As a friend has said, "Everyone reaches to this point. To some, it comes a little bit early. We just have to accept it."

The Sorrow

2004-12-29T22:40:00.000-08:00

Mom scanned most of my childhood pictures and made a website out of them arranged in chronical order. She gave it to my as my 24th birthday gift.
I think she is doing it more for herself than for me. she wrote in her dairy that "at the moment, i would rather hide myself in the memories than staring into the big empty house."

Mother Nature

2004-12-28T23:05:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night.
It is pouring outside. Huge rain drops hit my window like bullets. It has flooded most of the parts in downtown LA and Melrose. Lightening strikes constantly. i am sitting at home and worried about my commute tomorrow morning.

Watching the news doesn't make it any easier.
In south east asia, entire families are swept away. Children float by in water. Huge waves take lives away right in front of the eyes.
60,000 people died. more people are missing.

once again, we are reminded how insignificant and helpless our dear lives are in front of mother nature.
but...we all know that the survivors will somehow manage to carry on with their lives when all of this ends, they will learn to live with the pain of losing loved ones. i don't know how they'll do it. but over and over again in history, we have survived in situations worse than today. They certainly can do it again. Paradise lost, paradise will be rebuilt.

Ghost From the Past

2004-12-27T13:36:00.000-08:00

at 8 o'clock this morning, i was woke up by the alarm. after turning it off, the deafening ringing was still there. i searched up and down for the source. and it is from my cell phone. an international number was Blinking on the screen, a number from japan to be more specific. who will call me from Japan? well, who else?

"hello?"
"still sleeping?"
"of course, it is 8 in the morning for God's sake! thanks for waking me up by the way..." a pause. thinking i should really work on my morning attitude. "so what's up?" in a much softer tone.

"oh nothing....just chilling in my car. smoking cigarette. drinking coffee...."

hmm.. good for you, i thought to myself, drinking caffeine at midnight.
"so....yeah, haven't heard from you for a while. is everything OK?"
"a year."
"what?"
"we haven't talked for a year." he said. he went on and told me how he quit his job, started his own company, has been flying back forth between Dalian and Japan almost every month. and mentioned about 7 times that he will be back to dalian next January.

i checked the time. It's 8:30am. i am gonna be seriously late to work. he is still chatting away....while i was pondering when will be a good time to interrupt him and tell him i have to get reay for work, he paused...and started to say something, hesitated again....
For some reason, i KNEW what's coming at that precise moment. i bite my lips so i won't burst out and say "i know what you are gonna tell me! so just say it already!"

"so...." he proceed,
"eh uh?" adjusting the tone of my voice to get ready for the news. but instead, he said. "any updates in the love department."

i chuckled. "yeah. but hmmm.......where should i start....hehe..."
"you know," he said,"you need to take things seriously and start to think about settling down now."

"and you need to stop sounding like my mom." i yelled "and just for your information, i always take things seriously!" there is the morning attitude again.

"i am getting married." ah ha!
"congratulations!"
he finally worked up the courage to tell me the real reason he called. and i was so ready for this moment. i said this word in the perfect cheerful voice.
he then explained how he doesn't care about this wedding. how he get lots of pressure from both sides of the family. how he will not take part in any of the planning, etc etc.

"why do you have to tell me you don't care about the wedding? why can't you be happy for yourself?
silence. he is totally ignoring my question.
"when is the wedding anyways?"
"Jan 31st."

what the fuck!?! that's my parent's wedding anniversary.
"congratulations!" thought it is properiet to say it again.
"i am more worried about my company." he started to tell me how it is hard to manage a company when his girlfriend's dad is managing one of the department, etc, etc...

after i finally got off the phone, i can't stop smiling. i think it is totally hilarious how he is so nervous about telling me the news. how he feels guilty about it and totally denies the fact that he wants to get married. they have been together for seven freaking years. 5 of out these seven years, they were living together. it's perfectly normal for them to eventually walk down the aisel together. who would
think otherwise?
another thing is, he was not my boyfriend, ever.

we went to the same junior high school. but he was in Japanese class. and i was in english class. i was, apparently, a joke between his friends. and one day, he told
me he liked me just to put an end to all the joking arounds. the reason i like him has everything to do with my english teach who is also the head teacher of my class.

i hate, notice the present tense here, my english teacher. she is a greedy, manipulative, cold blooded bitch. she hunts for innocent souls of 13, 14 years old. Before she slaughters them mercilessly, she enjoys and takes her time to torture them. what more painful than the years i spent with her is to think of the fact that she teaches, oh i mean, tortures more and more innocents souls over the years after i had moved on.

both of us are her victims. We bonded quickly out of hatred. he started to walk me to the bus stop after school. we had good times cursing about the bitch. then we grow up and we went to different high schools. i was ready to forget about my english teacher and carry on with my life. (i never did forget or forgive her though.) and he was ready to have a real girl friend. so he did. and he is marrying the same girl in this coming January. i don't know why he feels kinda guilty about it. i wanna him to be happy as much as he wants to me to.

Exciting News of the Day

2004-12-14T11:42:00.000-08:00

Google Is Adding Major Libraries to Its Database

By JOHN MARKOFF
and EDWARD WYATT

Here is some extracts from the New York Times's article

Google,announced today that it had entered into agreements with some of the nation's leading research libraries and Oxford University to begin converting their holdings into digital files that would be freely searchable over the Web.

The collaboration of Google and research institutions that also include Harvard, the University of Michigan, Stanford and the New York Public Library....and a group of international libraries from the United States, Canada, Egypt, China and the Netherlands. The group said it planned to have 70,000 volumes online by next April.

The agreements announced today will allow Google to publish the full text of only those library books old enough to no longer be under copyright.

For copyrighted works, Google would scan in the entire text, but make only short excerpts available online."

Google plans to digitize nearly all the eight million books in Stanford's collection and the seven million at Michigan. The Harvard project will initially be limited to only about 40,000 volumes. The scanning at Bodleian Library at Oxford will be limited to an unspecified number of books published before 1900, while the New York Public Library project will involve fragile material not under copyright that library officials said would be of interest primarily to scholars.

Full Text

2nd Anniversary

2004-12-09T23:20:00.000-08:00

Today my manager walked up to me around 8pm. (Yes PM. I was still at work at 8pm. This is why I don't have a boyfriend. Overworked and underpaid. dame it! angry face goes here.)

My manager walked up to me and said "Congratulations!" I was stunned, my head turned quickly and a voice inside of me started telling me, "I got a raise I got a raise I got a raise....."

"What for?" I asked with total innocence.
"Today is your 2nd anniversary at XXX (our company name). " (so it's not about a rasie after all.)
"Oh my god! It has been two years already?"
"Yes." My manager looked at me with an expression which i think may have resembled an approvment, at least that's what i think, and said, "You have survived for two years!"
"Oh my god....."

i can not believe it has been two years already. i have graduated and worked for two years. i am a grown professional woman now. god! this means i am freaking old. i am an old maid. and i am gonna die as an old maid....
This is what my grave will read:

Feizi (1979 to 2035)
Daughter of XXX(my mum's name) and YYY(my dad's name).
Loved and Remembered by her parents and friends.(notice there is no husband or children?)

She came to this world alone, lived alone and left alone.
May her lonly soul rest in peace. Amen!

P.S. Cause of death: Drop dead <out of exhaustion in front of her computer while working over time on a Thursday night.

Such sadness~~~

Camping at San Luis Obispo

2004-12-02T01:15:00.000-08:00

Don't ask me how I fit into this tiny tent WITH ANOTHER GIRL and all of our luggages.

This picture was actually taken in April. so no! even it is in California, we can't camp at this time of the year.

Camping at SLO

Something Is Seriously Wrong

2004-11-28T23:38:00.000-08:00

One Sunday morning, while I was having a lovely brunch with my roommate and her boyfriend in a restaurant in Monterey Park, a group of Chinese walked in. They all wore the same red T-shirts with logos like this:

700Club

well instead of symbols of man and woman, which belong to public restroom doors anyway. It actually reads: marriage = one man + one woman. It is written in Chinese in the front, english in the back.

Mind you, I was shocked. It was Sunday morning and I was minding my own business, trying to relax and enjoy my food. I NEED NOT see such a statement, epescially not have them staring me right in the face in BOLD. They came in in big groups and all T shirts were in flaming red. It is impossible to not look at them. I was outraged by the intruders. Who are they to tell me what marriage is anyway???

When we are out on the streets, to my horror, I found another group of 10 to 15 people wearing the same T shirt marching on the streets. An organized crime we have!

Since then, I saw the red T shirts on several other occasions. They seriously bother me because
for one, they always appear in groups. Never saw a person wearing that T shirt alone. Cowards! They obviously own the T shirt. Why wouldn't they wear it when they are alone? What are they afraid of? Is it because they somehow know what they are doing is wrong?

The worst part is, they define marriage simply as one man + one woman in such definite and authoritative way. There is no " I believe...". They just wrote down an equation, printed it on T shirts and demonstrate it in public. Considering the fact that we are here in LA, So. Cal, the level of ignorance they have sends shudder through me.

After a little google, I found the genius that created the original logo, which was meant to be a bumper sticker. They are the..(drums)..700 Club!

I also googled out that CafePress created, or simply sells, the counter bumper stickers:

marriageLoveLove

Good to see some people still believe in having love in a marriage. My eyes are welled up with tears now. haha~~

Update on Nov 30th, 2004:
I came across this T shirt at OutSpokenClothing.com , while browsing through the wifebeaterbeater T shirts.

MarriageForAll

Pure Fiction.

2004-11-27T21:43:00.000-08:00

(This story is pure fiction. It'd be my greatest honor if it resembles anyone in anyway.:D )

“這個家是再也呆不下去了.” 萍如一邊這樣想著.一邊走下樓去.

房東太太的男人,橫躺在沙發上, 不冷不熱的天, 他仍穿著那件半新不舊的男式垮欄背心. 就那樣松松挎挎的搭拉在滾圓的肩上, 難掩滿身的橫肉. 萍如厭惡的轉過頭去. 二十几歲的閨女,還沒興趣參觀老男人的身体.　老男人听到下樓的聲音,抬起頭沖萍如擠眉弄眼地說,” 哦,萍如在家呢. 怎么沒出去玩?” 萍如恩了一聲就進了廚房. “這個家是再也呆不下去了.” 其它种种萍如都可以忍. 只是忍不了這個每天橫躺在自家沙發上的臭男人. 萍如自己很久也沒在起居室呆著過了.　出門回家路過起居室,都是匆匆忙忙的, 頂多恩一聲,算是打個招呼. 當初要搬進來, 房東太太可沒說過她男人會整天跑過來. 萍如自己也沒問. 心想著, 就算來,不過是客人一樣,坐坐,吃吃茶.　萍如再沒想到,房東的男人會如此這般的把這里當成是自己的家,衣杉不整不說,還整天挺尸般的在沙發上躺著.

萍如邊恨恨的想著邊就進了廚房. “飯還是要吃的.” 狼籍在廚房里的是昨天還是前天的杯盤碗碟. 房東太太看萍如進來, 赶著忙手忙腳的洗起臟碗碟. 并連聲道著歉.房東太太人還是不坏. 偶而她男人回自家, 萍如和房東太太也能相處得不錯. 只是那男人一在, 萍如臉色就禁不住的變難看.

房東太太也是三十奔四十的人了.因為一直單身的緣故(所以嚴格的說她還是房東小姐), 看起來年輕,差不多三十出頭的樣子.只是衣著都帶著80年代的影子,讓人感覺她好象是從周潤發早期電影里走下來的. 她談吐卻完全沒有時代的印跡, 只是空洞得如一縷青煙, 說過了就沒了, 沒有內容. 沒人記得.　
(To be Continued)

Good Things In Life

2004-11-18T21:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks Frank for pointing out that there are also lots of good things in life. kaka~~ Sometimes I can't see very well with my own eyes, :D sometimes I am dumb like that(see previous post for reference).

Good things that happened today:
1. I got my e-blogger sweat shirt. hehe~ The sleeves are a little too long. But it fits pretty well everywhere else.:D:D
2. Someone called me a nerd coz of my e-blogger sweat shirt.:D:D
3. The farewell lunch went really well. only 16 people said they were coming but I made RSVP for 25. and....what do you know? exactly 25 people turned up. Someone please tell me that I am a genius.
4. My chicken and shrimp fajitas was sooo yummy. hmm...... If I didn't keep getting interrupted by the conversation, I would have finished the whole plate. (I am still not used to talking while eating. My dad uses to give me a scary look when I talk too much at dinner table. guess i am traumatized~~)
5. Rigth before I left work, I got the soundtrack of Garden State from a co-worker, which finished my day beautifully. I played it in the car on the way home. I never thought I would say this. But I wish my commute was longer. Listening to music in the car, with all the street lights and all, can make me feel very emotional.

6. yet to come.....the apprentice2 is ON tonight. tsk tsk tsk...(these are new words i learned today.) Gotta go watch TV now!!

Call Me Mary Jane

2004-11-08T21:41:00.000-08:00

I had a strange dream last night. In my dream, everyone calls me MJ.
Yes, it's that MJ, spiderman's girlfriend, MJ.

While I was brushing my teeth this morning, I wasn't sure if it was a dream or everyone really started to call me MJ now until I got to work. "Good morning, Morgan!" I was greeted by a guy in the company parking lot.

so it was a dream!

but what does this dream mean? does it mean I am not happy with who I am and want to be someone else?
This has never happened before! I'v always liked the girl I turned out to be. At least I think I like it.
Maybe I subconsciously want to be that red haired girl who is rescued by spiderman over and over again. or Maybe I just wanna be rescued! Just image! Everytime I fall, Spiderman will show up and pick me right up. Every time I feel confused and lost, Spiderman will help me see the world more clearly with his super power spider eyes. Everytime I am in danger, Spiderman will beat up the bad guys, then hold me in his arm and tell me everything is OK now. Geez!! How great is that?!

now i am a little ashamed of myself. Fancying about spiderman!?!?! I not a 14 year old anymore!
but how come today the sky seems further away than i last remembered.
how come I feel all the strength was drained from my body which left me feeling just as helpless as i was 10 years ago.
how come.....

I don't want to be stronge and independent all the time. Sometimes I wanna be that red haired girl swinging from building to building in the arms of the spiderman. Funny how, after trying so hard, I find myself back to where I started.

Murakami Haruki said, life is like a merry go round going around and around. He says lots of things. This time he might be right.

Sense and Sensibility

2004-11-07T20:38:00.000-08:00

shall we follow our hearts or listen to our brains?
shall we do what's right or what makes us happy?
shall we take risks? or play it save?
shall we fight for more? or retreat and be happy with what we already have?

growing up made me realize that there are questions no one can answer for me. i can't go ask my mommy or daddy or any mentor for answers anymore for i realized this is not about finding the right answer. it is about making choices as an individual.

turning 25, i still don't have answers to these questions yet. maybe i will never know. maybe i will never find my path. maybe i will live in regret and always ponder what will happen if i went the other way. maybe i will spend the rest of my life torn between two worlds. who knows~~

shall we keep dreaming?

Here is a quote from a great blog: http://iamnotinvisible.blogspot.com/
"
when?
when did you give up your dreams? remember, that dream you held so dear?
those wedding plans? that thing that for a while you thought that you just couldn't live without?
but then, you discovered you could...and quite oblivious to ever wanting that in the first place. is that what you call contentment or settling? or is settling a type of contentment? you are a dreamer...so where are your dreams? where are your dreams? was holding on just a little too scary? don't worry or fear....even if you have forgotten, He hasn't.
"
music playing...boulevard of broken dreams

cheers to 25!

Death and I

2004-10-31T18:12:00.000-08:00

I am supposed to look scared~~ really scared~~
but it didn't come out right. instead of looking scared, I look scary!!
oh well.........

Halloween_2004

Forbidden Colors

2004-10-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

我歌月徘徊，我舞影凌亂~~

仍然喜歡那首禁色.歌詞中的迤邐風景,歌者哀婉低沉的嗓音
還有纏綿入骨的旋律, 總能一次又一次打動我的心.

tuesday

2004-10-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

天气预报说星期三有暴风雨. 我已感觉到了山雨欲来的气势.
继续听着mama’s and the papa’s, 在这湿漉漉的天气, 叫人情何以堪?

2004-10-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

i have a love- hate relationship with autumn.

天气一转凉, 我就会很自然的把那首"california dreaming" 翻出来, 然后一遍一遍的放.

一年一度, 只在秋天, 才允许自己想家.

Before Sunset

2004-10-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

you met, talked all night, felt a strong connection. but you let each other slipped out of your lives. you were both young, in the early 20s. you think life was full of endless possibilities~~ you let fate decide if you shall ever meet again~ and you never did.

has this ever happened to you?
Yes?
before sunrise(1995).
he, the america, she, the french, met on a train in australia, spent a night in venice~ they walked around in the streets and they talked and talked~~ they only had one night. in the morning, he needed to catch a flight back to america. before they went different ways, they decided they would meet again in 6 months if both of them could make it. they didn't bother to get each other's contact information or last names....

before sunset(2004)

BeforeSunSet
9 years later, he wrote a book about the night they spent together. She showed up at his book signing event in a bookstore in paris .

"have i changed?" they asked each other~~. "no." each answered....with a smile.

9 years have passed~~ the movie slowly revealed that they never found the same connection they felt for each other with another person. the chemistry they shared at that time was truly a once in a life time experience for both.
again, he needs to leave before sunset to catch a flight back to america. however, they keep talking like there is no tomorrow just like that one night 9 years ago.

the sun starts to set in the west. what will they do differently this time? now they both have grown up. so grown up that he is already married~~ they found each other a little too early 9 years ago, and a little too late now. what will you do?

I sighed deeply at the end of both films. how often do we find that someone special? how easily do we let them go?

remember the scenes from Meet Joe Black? they met in a coffee shop~~ lightning stroked~~ they felt the attraction for each other instantly. after they walked out of the coffee shop, she turned left and he turned right. as they started to walk away from each other in the opposite directions, each one looked back at the other, hoping the other would look back at the same time, then looked away coz they missed each other by a few seconds. In the end, they looked back one more time, hesitated, then disappeared around the corner.

will they keep pondering about this incident happened on a early monday morning? probably~

being young is working against us. we are only at the beginning of the journey. we don't know we need to cherish each other and whatever opportunity we have to be together. we toss things away thinking we can find the same thing or something better at the next corner. Will we??? It’s for us to find out~~

considering the years they are made in, before sunrise/sunset are not really for our generation. however, it serves the purpose of a big red warning sign. history repeats itself, doesn't it?

Liebe ist in der Luft

2004-10-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

looks like i can not escape the strange circle of long distance relationships.
after i end one, there comes another one.
i begin to think maybe there is something wrong with me. maybe i get bored too easily, maybe i like the waiting, the anticipation more than the actual relationship.

but it feels so good when you like someone and that someone likes you back. the feeling is so overwhelming it overtook the fact that this is our last day together. you probably will be out of my life forever after tommorrow. you will fly back to that cold city~~ i am sure you will miss california, the beach, the sun, and me.

but who cares about tommorrow, about whether we can see each other again, whether we'll keep in touch over the phone, email or IM, whether we have a future together. none of these things will stop us from having a great time together TODAY.

and TODAY, your presence made me feel warm and light hearted especially when you hold my drink for me, when we wondered off from the group into the midst of the beach crowds, when we sat on the side of the streets and when you told me about your little hometown in that cold cold country.

by the end of the day, we stood outside of my apartment. i pointed out my bedroom window to you.

"that's my room. i moved here at the end of February."
your eyes lighted up, " really? i moved to a new apartment in February, too. february 15th."
this silly coincident made both of us very happy.
"only two weeks apart! "i yelled.
"oh yes."you said and you looked down at me and smiled, street lights shinning from the back of your head. hours later, i can still remember your face enveloped in the lights, the way you tilted your head, and the excitement in your eyes..........

before you left, I let you borrow one of my favorite books. we didn't talk about when you will have a chance to give it back to me. i only want you to like it.

after you left, i went upstairs to my room. i looked into the mirror on the wall. i saw my face still blushing and my eyes dancing in the reflection. for the first time in a long time, i am grateful for the life i have.

Never trust people who get themselves drunk.

2004-10-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

MOooON Festival

2004-09-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

Today's moon festival! I don't know what to say about it though.

it doesn't feel right to spent the day with friends coz it is not a festive holiday. it doesn't have fireworks like new year. or lotus lantern show like the First Full Moon holiday.

that's why Moon festival has to be spent with the family.

back at home, mom always prepares fruit platter, moon cake platter and snacks for everyone after dinner. We rarely invite guests for this occasion. it is usually just the three of us, sitting outside on the patio, enjoying the night.

the first thing mom always does is to pick a moon cake for me. If i refuse it, she will give me a lecture about the importance of eating at least one moon cake on the moon festival. however, she never cut the cakes into smaller pieces so i ended up spending the entire night to finish the giant cake.

after taking care of me, mom and dad will have the most interesting conversation.
instead of watching TV, I'd stay out with them and listen until i fall asleep on my dad's lap.
I don't remember what they talked about. (obviously it is not the contents that interested me.)
But their conversation made me feel so pleasant, it made up for having to eat the yiky greasy moon cake.

after i grow up, i don't ever take on a boyfriend who attempts to lecture me or thinks man are better/smarter than woman. i don't know why i feel so strongly about this matter.

today thinking about our moon festival made me realize why their conversations are so captivating and why i am so stubborn about being equal in a relationship. my parents' casual conversations demonstrated equality between them and the mutual respect, open mind ness they shared. I rarely see these qualities among other grownup relationship that i was exposed to at that time. so I know I want the same thing they have.

i always respect my parents for they always respect and try to understand each other at good times and bad. like most couples, my parents had rocky time in their marriage, too.

i got a moon festival greeting card from luoyi today. it reads
" happy moon festival.
I hope the ones that love you love you more,
the ones you love understand you more."

it's so sweet.

i hope my parents love and understand each other more each and every day.

Sunday Night Doesn't Have to be Depressing

2004-09-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

this is such a great weekend! I spend the entire 2 days AT HOME. :B Haven't done this for a long time.
(Well~ I went to Border's saturday afternoon to study. But that's the same as staying at home.)
almost forgot how much staying at home can help me recharge.
Now it is Sunday night. and I feel great!! Totally ready for the new week!

This weekend didn't start out very well. two of my most favorite people left LA, one left on Friday, one on sunday. both will be gone for a week.

One of them I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. the other, i don't know what to say to him when he called me from the airport before departure. he is going to see his mom who had a brain surgery a week ago. I can't find a single word in my vocabulary for an occasion like this.

on top of that, a friend in EU IMed me Friday afternoon. Before I could tell her my depression. She told me they broke the news to her. The bad news. knowing her for all those years, I know it must have crushed her. but there is nothing i can do. I can't fix her problems. it hurts me to see her suffer. and this time around, being there for her or all the mental support crap just won't do it anymore. I am worried.

by the end of the day friday, i was so exhausted.....i decided to stay home on friday night...and the whole weekend.

Guess What I found!
I found my sony digital voice recorder Saturday night. It's a gift from Kenny and Vicent for my 23rd birthday.:D I took it everywhere with me when I first got it. Couple months later, I had to packed everything and moved to long beach for my new job. after that, I moved one more time. but I didn't get around to unpack this recorder, and never get around to see Kenny or Vincent again.

I bought new batteries for it. To my surprise, the recorder still has the voices i saved. 6 of them.
in one of them, i made you say "Yilei is smarter than me." over the phone and recorded it.
in another one, you just said "happy birthday to Yilei" in chinese.
in another one, i asked you to say something and you said "testing one, two, there". and I called u "stupid"
in another one... all of them are our pointless conversations.

a silly girl, aren't i? i used the voice recorder for months and recorded all kinds of voice of myself. in the end, the only ones i saved are your voices.

if i am still in love with you, i will erase all of them now. but I kept them.

Sunset
After I rediscovered my voice recorder, i started to look for things to record. At last, I found myself reading the Little Prince. After recording about 5 to 6 chapters. I turned off the light and played it in the dark. It quickly put me into sleep. I dreamed about a sunset post card. QQ asked me to send her a post card of Sunset. i still haven't found one for her yet. The ones made for tourists all looked cheap and tasteless. In my dream, i saw the perfect post card. It's the little prince. He was sitting in a chair in his tiny planet looking at the sunset. Somehow he managed to tell me that "this is the 24th sunset I saw today." Then he had a incredibly sad look on his face. It sounds stupid now but it looked great in my dream.

Sunday
Sunday is today. Another great day. My depressions are completely gone. I cooked a big meal for myself for dinner including 3 main dishes, Shrimp and eggs, Stir fried vegetables and Golden Mushrooms, and one soup, creamy squash and pervered pork.
Life really has a great way of working things out. Just when you think you have fallen to the bottom, you find great things around the corner.

Last year today

2004-09-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

Last year, I was living in denial. I used work to avoid pain, pretending nothing ever happened.

But it still hurts, it hurts every single cell of my body.
When they say heartache, I never know they meant it literarily, hehe, until now of course.

But I can’t say that you deceived me. Like a moth to the flame, I trusted you blindly, neglecting the obvious flaws. What can I say? I was naïve and wanted to try out things myself. It’s the invincibility of youth.

Now I don’t know how much this event has shaped my life. I am a little bitter. but I still trust people recklessly. Knowing what is right is one thing, doing it is another.

I Heart FrouFrou

2004-09-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

Let Go

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

FrouFrou_Details

this is the song i have been listening to everyday for two weeks.
it still stirs up so much emotions inside of me every time i play it.
turning 25 next year, i still have the inexplicable feeling of lost and confusion.
when will it go away? or will it ever? maybe after i turn 30, i will be that much wiser so i can look back and have a hearty laugh about this silly mid20 crisis.

but for now...Let's just play on~~

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

This is a test.

2004-09-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

Unable to sign up for a gmail account.
Appearently, it is such a exclusive club that it is by invitation ONLY!
So I ended up Signing for this blog instead.
Not sure if they support Chinese. (They better do!!!)

Anyway, this is just a test! Come back for more.

Happy Thoughts : )

Falling Slowly

黄金甲

The Holidays

Christmas cards kicked my butt

Only in California...

Engineering Ignorance

Things you find out about yourself....

Watch TV, Learn About Men

Lunch Time Story

Happy Thoughts! : )

Question of the day

November Rain

The Myth of Cooking

The healing process of writing....

So much to say

没发的信: 三

Chocolate Meltdown

没发的信:二

没发的信: 一

How to say,” If you are here illegally, then you shouldn't be here!” in Spanish?

A Series of Questions

Day After the Hump Day.

They say, "All Good Things Come To An End."

Sometimes I Hang On A Little Too Much To Old Memories

When A Broken Roof Met the Rainy Season

No More Wisdom

It's a New Year's Thing

Tangerines.

50 Steps Laughed at 100 Steps:五十步笑百步

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

"I saw the map of his goatee, the grand plan of it."

Days like this

The Joy

How To Charm Me

Long Long Way To Go.

Day 23 The flight away from home was never easy.

Day 3, Day 4

Day Two

Day One

A Long Way To China

Q: What happens when a chaotic mind is armed with bad English.

Taste My Blood

Hey Mom

"Stay where you are! and hand me the camera."

He once called a draw at a chess game to rescue my hurt ego.

Things I need to remember from this weekend if we ever have a fight.

A Long Sentence.

That Nasty Fever I had Last Week

Do you miss your parents?

"As long as you like him,

Shall I Feel Sorry For Her?

Don't You Cry Baby

"and I don't want to be your regret, id rather be your cocoon"

To Be Optimistic Or Not?

Today Is International Women's Day

Oreos...Milk's Favorite Cookie

My Period Came

I Am Such A Push Over!

A Flashback I had This Morning.

A Quarter of My Wisdom....Gone

Listening.......

Garden State

And may you never love in vain

Check out what my mom got me for Chinese New Year!

Not My Normal Saturday Routine

客 愁

Second Morning at Redondo

Procrastination is Killing Me

Add Oil

God Loves Me

"I am old, you are still young........"

Never Ever

What Went Wrong

燕雀豈知鴻鵠之志

The Sorrow

The Sorrow

Mother Nature

Ghost From the Past

Exciting News of the Day

客愁